Being respectful of each other’s choices is the bare minimum one needs to do to keep a relationship healthy.

An internet user asked, “Am I (20F) a jerk for telling my fiancé (24M) that he needs to stop ridiculing my degree?”. Here’s the whole story for your context: 


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The Original Poster (OP) (20F) and her fiancé (24M) will get married next year in the summer, and OP is very much looking forward to this. 

“We have our issues, but then again, which couple doesn’t, right?” says OP. 


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However, lately, OP’s fiancé has been ridiculing her studies and the degree she’s getting. OP is studying in the Netherlands, and he lives in Denmark so they will close the distance next year after the wedding. 

“I’m in the last year of my bachelor’s degree in biomedical sciences. I would argue (but of course, I’m biased) that this is a very intensive study and requires a lot of time and effort,” says OP. 


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Sometimes, when she (OP) complains about this, he says that her degree doesn’t matter and that she would be better off quitting anyway. 

“The reason why he says this is because we would like to have a marriage with more traditional gender roles once we are married. So he will earn money, and I will become a stay-at-home mom. I don’t have a problem with this, but I would like a degree to fall back on during tough times,” says OP. 


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Whenever she (OP) tries to make this argument, he shuts it down immediately. He claims that OP would be better off just quitting her studies and becoming a housewife since, once they are married, she will never use her degree anyway. 

“I would not mind working, e.g., two times a week, but he is strongly opposed to this as he claims that it would interfere with my tasks and chores in our marriage,” says OP 


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Her (OP’s) fiancé is still in carpentry school, which consists of several months of work followed by weeks of school, both of which he gets paid for. Not only does he dismiss the difficulty of OP’s degree, but he also claims that his work is much more complex. 

“I can’t disagree with him because, physically speaking, it is much more intensive, but I would like for him to acknowledge that my degree is also time-consuming and difficult,” says OP. 


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Recently, OP’s fiancé made a joke about what a waste of time it was for OP to get her degree when she should be in Denmark and make him dinner instead since that would be more fulfilling for both him and her. 

“I know I should not let these harmless jokes get under my skin, but I lashed out at him and told him he needed to stop ridiculing my academic achievements and dismissing all of it so easily since it might come in handy at some point in the future,” says OP. 


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He then quite seriously told OP (again) that she shouldn’t take everything so personally and that he was speaking the truth since OP will not use her degree once they are married, so it is a waste of time and money. 


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“Somehow, he spun it around and told me that I was not appreciative enough of him wanting to provide for our future family and me and that if I wanted to be a ‘girl boss,’ I would be free to do so on my own. 

So now I’m wondering if I did make a mistake by telling him to stop ridiculing my degree and if I somehow hurt him by appearing ungrateful. So, am I a jerk?” asks OP. 


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“Alarm bells are ringing all over what you wrote. He sounds overly controlling and dismissive of your efforts/achievements/goals. Not the jerk. Please think more about this before throwing away your future career.”


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“Not the jerk. But are you sure you want to marry someone who thinks a woman’s place and purpose in life is to be in the kitchen cooking for her husband? It’s fine if you want to be a stay-at-home mom, but his views on the whole thing are troubling.”


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“Not the jerk. He’s manipulative and doesn’t respect you. Your fiancé doesn’t want you to be in a position to be able to leave him in the future. Do it now while you can.” 


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“These are not ‘harmless jokes.’ These are an evident insight into how your fiancé views you and what he expects of you now & in the future.

Please rethink marrying this man. The disdain he shows toward you & your accomplishments will not improve. You deserve better.”

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This article was originally published on Mrs. Daaku Studio.

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