Your choice to have kids (or not) can be a dealbreaker in a long-term relationship. So, discussing it in advance is always a good idea!

A netizen recently asked, “Am I a jerk for giving my boyfriend an ultimatum about having kids?”. What’s your take on the matter?


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The Original Poster (20F) and her boyfriend (20M) have been together for a year. 

“I will admit our relationship started rather unconventionally and eventually evolved into us becoming official,” says OP. 


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At the beginning of the relationship, OP stressed to her boyfriend that she wants to have kids in the future, and it is non-negotiable. 

“I thought he and I were on the same page as he said he wanted to have kids when he was financially stable, and I was fine with that,” says OP. 


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In recent conversations, OP’s boyfriend expressed that he doesn’t know if he wants kids. He added that he won’t propose if he doesn’t want kids. But OP told him that she needs to have an answer about whether he wants kids because that is what she wants. 


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Her boyfriend got upset because he believed she presented him with “an ultimatum,” to which she agreed. He feels that if he decides not to have kids, he’ll lose her as a girlfriend (which is true). However, she still intends to be friends with him because she values him as a good person. 


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OP has given her boyfriend a year to a year-and-a-half to figure out if he wants kids or not. 

“I feel like that is more than fair, and it still leaves me time to find someone to have a family with if he decides that he doesn’t want children. So, am I a jerk for giving my boyfriend this ultimatum?” asks OP. 


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OP later edited the post and added the following information:

“I am not asking to have kids right now. I do not want kids now. I do in the future, five or so years down the road. I will not force him to have children if he does not want them. But I don’t want to be forced to be child-free if he does not want them.”


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“I am not naive about what it takes to have kids. I have nannied for many years, since I was 12. I have nannied everyone from newborns to children with special needs and disabilities. 

I know what it takes and that it is rough, not rainbows and unicorns. I know I want this, and contrary to popular belief, not all young people are dumb and stupid and don’t know what they want out of life. 

I have a certificate that gives me a steady job with a good salary, and the place I work has amazing benefits and a good work-life balance. I would be able to work from home once I have kids. I’ve thought this through,” says OP.


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“No jerks here. You are probably not compatible with this issue. Your boyfriend’s likely not going to be ready when you are. If you’ve decided you want kids more than a romantic partner in the future, you should clarify that to him before he answers your ultimatum.”


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“Not the jerk. If you don’t see this relationship as something that will make you happy long-term, it is best to break up. If you don’t feel like you want the same future, it is best to break up.

Sometimes, you must break up with someone you love because they aren’t the right relationship for you.”


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“Not the jerk. Kids are one of the main dealbreakers in relationships and marriage. You have to be honest with each other regarding kids, and this is not something that someone grows into, and it just is ‘fine.’ 

It is okay not to be strung along in a relationship if there is no chance that he will want kids one day; even if both of you are on the same page, there is no guarantee that you will eventually marry. It is okay to move on to someone with the same viewpoint on kids.”


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“Not the jerk. You do you. You know what you want at a young age. Go for it, but it does not make your boyfriend the bad guy, as he is also honest and young.”


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“You are ridiculously mature about your stance on this. You know what you want and are willing to take the consequences. Not the jerk.”


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“No jerks here. This is a very reasonable request. Be honest that once your boyfriend makes a decision, it seems honest, and he is not just telling you what you want to hear. It’s better to cut your losses as soon as possible if kids are not for him.”

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