Invalidating a new mom’s emotional struggles is one of the worst things you can do, especially when you’ve been claiming to help her!
An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for losing my temper with my in-laws and asking them to leave?”. We need you to find out!
BACKSTORY
The Original Poster (OP) (28F) had her first baby six weeks ago. She was already a stepmom to her husband’s two kids, who were 5 and 6 years old when she came into their lives. They are now 8 and 9 years old.
OP’S POSITION IN HER STEPKIDS’ LIFE
Her (OP’s) husband and his ex-wife share custody equally of their two children, so they are in their home every other week. But OP’s husband is the primary parent in their home. He’s their biological parent, and they worked with a therapist to figure out the best way to integrate OP into his and the kids. It was agreed OP would take a secondary role and not a primary role when parenting.
“So even though I am a stepmom, I don’t have all the same experiences as my husband and ex-wife have as their biological parents. I also wasn’t around them from birth”, says OP.
THE CHALLENGES OF BEING A NEW MOM
Having OP’s first baby has been challenging at times. It was made worse by her in-laws. They will show up to help her, but they also invalidate that this is OP’s first time having these experiences. They will bring up her stepkids as being her experience or say she’s an expert at doing all these things because she has two kids already. But OP has none of these newborn experiences. Her (OP’s) husband wasn’t aware of everything they were saying.
“He heard them once and commented that it was different because I wasn’t around my stepkids when they were this little. But for the most part, I thought I could work things out with my in-laws instead.”, says OP.
ISSUES WITH THE BABY RIGHT NOW
Baby is having a rough time. Their pediatrician is doing tests because the baby is not sleeping and is crying a little more than the pediatrician would like, and the kind of cry is making the pediatrician want to check that everything is okay.
“So we’re both sleep deprived, and I’m not eating great,” says OP.
IN-LAWS INVALIDATING OP’S CHALLENGES
The baby was crying a lot, and OP voiced out loud that she was so lost and that being a new mom was brutal. OP’s Mother-In-Law (MIL) told her she shouldn’t feel that way about her third kid and should take all her experience as a mom of three and figure out a way to settle herself so she can settle the baby.
“My Father-In-Law (FIL) said I was overthinking and should not call myself a new mom because I have been a mom for years,” says OP.
ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE
She (OP) lost her temper. OP was so tired that she told them she was a new mom. She had never raised a baby before and wasn’t her stepkids mom.
OP told them she came into their lives when they were already in school, and she didn’t take on a full parental role with them but a secondary one, which they know, and every time they insist OP has done all this before, she just feels more and more stressed and agitated.
“I told them it was not helping me, and then I asked them to leave for the day because I could not hear any more of their nonsense”, says OP.
THE CHAOS CONTINUES
OP’s in-laws called her husband that night and asked how the hell she lost her temper like that.
“They said they were here to help, and I was dismissing what I was to my family by saying I was not a mom to my stepkids. They said I might have Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD) or something, but I should not be angry and rude to them, and I owe them an apology. He told them they owed me an apology, and they responded that they had done nothing wrong and I was ungrateful. Am I a jerk?” asks OP.
FOCUS ON YOUR FAMILY
“Not the jerk. I’m glad your husband has your back. Focus on your baby and yourself as well as your little family. Leave the in-laws for your husband to handle. These are his parents, after all. You need none of this nonsense in your life at the moment.”
YOUR IN-LAWS NEED A REALITY CHECK
“Not the jerk. Your in-laws need a reality check, and going no contact with you or the baby until they get with the program that you are a first-time mom with a newborn is the right thing to do. They must stay away until they earn the privilege to see you and the baby!”
PLEASE DO NOT DEAL WITH THEM AT ALL
“Not the jerk. Please do not deal with them at all. They are your husband’s parents, so they are his responsibility. Because of their behavior, I would not allow them in your home without your husband to mediate from this point on.”
THEY WERE NOT HELPING WHATSOEVER
“Not the jerk at all. They were not helping whatsoever. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for them to understand that you never cared for a newborn. Raising kids of their own, they should be able to know and understand that raising a newborn is a different experience than raising little kids. I’m not a mother, and even I know this. I’m glad your husband took your side. Don’t let them in next time.
IT’S OK TO STRUGGLE
“Not the jerk, even if you had a baby before, every baby is different, and it’s okay to struggle. I always felt like a new mom because my kids were so different. I gained experience with every one of them. But it was rough.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.