We all say the wrong thing sometimes, especially at the wrong moment. Once the damage is done, the best we can do is apologize sincerely and express our remorse. An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for asking if my daughter-in-law fell when I heard of her miscarriage?”. We need to hear your thoughts.
Backstory
Original Poster’s (OP’s) son announced his wife’s pregnancy at 8 weeks after hearing the heartbeat. Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage at around 10 weeks.
When OP’s son called her on the phone, OP was so shocked that she just blurted out, “Why? Did she fall?”
Did She Really Fall?
She did not fall, by the way. OP didn’t realize she was on speakers during that call and OP’s daughter-in-law overheard her reaction.
When She Got Pregnant Again
When she got pregnant again, they didn’t announce it until well into the second trimester. Due to OP’s daughter-in-law ending in a very unexpected C-section, OP’s son requested OP’s help to come over.
OP cooked, cleaned, did laundry for them, washed the baby, etc. Despite all her hard work, OP’s daughter-in-law was still very cold towards her and treated her rather poorly.
The Conversation Between OP And Her Daughter-in-law
OP finally asked her why and she admitted that she was furious when OP sounded “very blaming” when she asked if her daughter-in-law fell, that’s why her previous pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.
OP Explained
OP told her that she asked if she fell not to blame her in any sense but out of concern for her. OP said that she is aware there are other reasons that miscarriages occur as members of her immediate family have suffered the same.
OP was very sad to hear the news. All of them were so happy, excited about her first pregnancy, then the next day heard the sad news.
They all called to speak to her directly and see how she was but were told she was not ready to speak. They tried to give her the space and time she needed for the situation.
What Does OP Say Now?
“I don’t think she believed me, though. Am I a jerk for asking if my daughter-in-law fell that’s why she had a miscarriage?”, asks OP.
Your First Words Were ‘Why’???
“You’re the jerk. You were told she miscarried, and your first words were why?
Here is a tip for you. When someone gives you some big news, traumatic news, something obviously huge in their lives, it is perfectly acceptable and preferable to take a small deep breath and small pause – this is where you think about what to say instead of spewing out the first thing that pops into your head.”
Tuck Your Tail And Apologize Profusely!
“You’re the jerk. This is one of those situations where you need to tuck your tail and profusely apologize. Not because you had any bad intentions but because this situation is so painful that it just doesn’t matter.
Pride doesn’t have a place here. Don’t make excuses, don’t apologize through your son- speak to her directly, genuinely and lovingly. ‘I am sorry I said something hurtful during a terrible time in your life and there is nothing I can do to reverse that stupid remark – just please know I realize how insensitive it was and wish I could’.”
You Indeed Sounded Victim Blamey!
“You’re the jerk. Miscarriages happen a lot more than people realize due to a variety of things, not just something physical.
When you asked if she fell, you basically put the blame on her like it was her fault. You could have asked ANYTHING other than that at that moment. ‘Is she okay? Is there anything I could do to help? I’m so sorry!’ would have been much better.”
It Was Nobody’s Fault
“I want to say ‘no jerks here’. Your response was unhelpful, to say the least, but it wasn’t said out of spite. You also didn’t know you were on loudspeaker which suggests to me that if you did know your daughter-in-law was on the line, you may have reacted differently.
But you do need to repair the damage with her. You need to accept that you hurt her feelings and that it is on you to make things right.”
All You Had To Say Was ‘Sorry’
“You’re the jerk. You don’t need to know why anyone miscarried, nor do you need to ask any questions AT ALL. Just say you’re sorry and ask how you can help.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.