Miscarriages can cause deep and lasting trauma for parents, but that does not justify transferring that trauma to others, especially decades after the loss.
A netizen recently asked, “Am I a jerk for telling my mom she can’t talk to my kid about her miscarriage and take him to the grave?”. We need to hear your thoughts on the matter.
Backstory
The Original Poster (OP) (28F) has a son (5M). OP was adopted and in her words, she grew up the ‘consolation prize’ for the miscarriage her mom (68F) had at 20 weeks.
OP’s Earliest Memories
OP had to go to this fetus’s grave every year. One of OP’s earliest memories was her mom forcing her to give her favorite stuffed rabbit to the grave.
How Was OP’s Experience Growing Up As An Adoptee?
OP grew up with her mom venting about how hard the miscarriage was to her, and OP honestly thinks it was super inappropriate and it made OP feel like a second option to what she actually wanted. OP obviously was never good enough.
What Did OP Recently Find Out?
OP recently found out that her mom took OP’s son to the fetus’s grave and told him about it. OP told her that’s an off-limits topic and OP’s son has no business hearing about her miscarriage at five years old.
What Does OP Say?
“Now some people in my life are saying I am a jerk for telling my mom she couldn’t tell my son about his dead aunt, but I think I’m justified in not wanting him to have to hear about it too. It was literally 30 years ago.
Am I the jerk?”, asks OP.
YOUR Child, YOUR Rules
“Not the jerk!! First and foremost, 5 is a bit early to start talking about dead people he’s never met. Second, and as important, YOU are the parent, SHE is GrandMa; babysits and spoils the child, but she does NOT get to decide when the kid is ready for different benchmarks in growing up.
The bottom line is YOUR child, YOUR rules. If she doesn’t agree, she doesn’t get to be alone with him.”
Your Mother Needs Grief Counseling
“Not the jerk. Everyone is entitled to grieve for a loved one, but your mom is obsessed with grieving for the baby she miscarried *over 40 years ago*. I was in my teens when I found out that my mother miscarried my parent’s first baby and third baby (overheard my dad say something so I asked my mom about it).
I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like to grow up being dragged to their grave sites. If your mother is still full of sorrow, she needs grief counseling, but you are right to limit your son’s exposure to her obsession.”
Your Mom Needs Serious Mental Help
“Your mom needs serious mental help to be dwelling on this for over 30 years. I’d be cutting her contact with her grandson if she keeps this up.”
She’s Trying To Force A THIRD Generation To Mourn?
“The aunt died before OP was ever even born, and had to go visit the grave. It’s been thirty damn years, and Grandma is trying to force a THIRD generation to mourn someone who was never. Even. Born.
The grandma needs serious psychological help because even three decades later, it sounds like she’s still obsessed and has yet to let go or even start to heal. And honestly, if I was OP I’d cut all access to my child until the grandma has been to see a therapist with noticeable improvements for at least a year.
She’s not healthy, and this is very likely to mess with OP’s child.”
Limit Your Child’s Contact With Your Mother
“Your mother has unresolved trauma. As a fellow adoptee, I’m really sorry you had to grow up with this dysfunction, which sounds like it resulted in your own trauma.
You can break the cycle *right now* by limiting your child’s contact with your mother and always supervising. Sending you the best.”
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