Choosing monetary benefits from your ex over your current partner is an unequivocal sign of your priorities.

An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for rejecting my boyfriend’s proposal because I’d lose my health insurance and alimony?”. Let us know what you think in the comments section!


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The Original Poster (OP) (44F) divorced her ex-husband ( 47M) 2 years ago and has been dating her boyfriend (45M) since (no cheating). OP and her ex were fighting a lot, but the divorce was less litigious than expected.

The Court’s Order

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OP’s ex-husband “James” and she were married for 21 years. In the state of Massachusetts, OP as his ex-spouse was able to stay on his group health insurance.

In addition, the judge ordered that since OP stayed home to raise their 4 kids ( 21M, 19F, 18M, 16M) OP gets alimony for life, or until OP (only OP, not my ex) remarried.

The Conditions Of The Health Insurance

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In terms of health insurance, OP would lose it if either James or she remarried. However, James has been very open about the fact that he hates the idea of marriage/marrying again even more than he hates OP still being covered under his health insurance policy.

His exact words were “Well, luckily for you, it’s not emotionally or financially cost-effective for me to marry just to get you off my health insurance.”

Why Didn’t OP Work Throughout Her Marriage?

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For the entire length of their marriage, part of the reason OP didn’t work is because OP’s ex is a doctor and after doing calculations, they realized OP had never made enough to even get close to covering the childcare costs for 4 kids.

“I checked and saw that if I had continued my administrative job, I’d be making $17 an hour today. I have no chance of making even that now.”, says OP.

OP’s Current Relationship

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OP and her boyfriend are very much in love. In many ways, OP wishes she’d met him first. He’s empathetic, and unlike OP’s ex, he values work-life balance instead of running between private practice and the psych ward at a county hospital to work 24/7.

However, OP and her boyfriend don’t live together and besides small presents to each other, they pay for themselves.

The Turning Point

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Things were good but OP’s boyfriend changed after she had a pregnancy scare. He said that if OP gets pregnant again, he wants them to be living under one roof, and not like two divorced parents. So he proposed.

“I was upset, but had to turn it down because love aside, this was my health insurance and only source of income on the line.”, says OP

OP’s Final Thoughts

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OP didn’t understand why her boyfriend was so upset. He is a case manager at a nonprofit and they’d be living on half the income OP is currently living on (if they take out child support) and that is bound to create tension on both sides.

“Am I a jerk?”, asks OP.

Some Additional Information

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OP later edited the post and added the following information:

“Just want to add, we cannot move in together either. The archaic family court laws would see that and assume that my boyfriend and I would be sharing finances or I would be in some way supported by my boyfriend by the fact of us moving in together.

If I could move in together with him and not lose my benefits, we’d be doing so.”

You Do Realize What You’re Doing, Right?

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“I love how you call it an archaic law that is preventing you from living with your boyfriend, but this is the same law that you are taking advantage of to the extent of not marrying the person that you want to live with and play house with.

I’m a supporter of alimony to SAHMs, but you can’t have it both ways.

No jerks here, but realize that you are choosing money over your boyfriend. I don’t blame him for having a gigantic issue with that.”

You’re Absolutely The Jerk Here!

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“You’re the jerk. I felt greasy reading your post. I’m not sure what you do all day, since all of your children are grown, yet you reference not working since you can’t afford childcare for the 4 kids.

Sounds like you’re avoiding getting a job and milking your ex-husband for what he’s worth at the expense of starting a new life with your boyfriend who you claim treats you better than your ex.

You also complained about how your ex worked 24/7 yet that lifestyle afforded your alimony and your children’s upbringing-just flat out greasy.”

Why Won’t You Get A Job?

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“Stay at home mom??? All the kids are in school or college, right? Lol, you are alone during the day!

Also, you are mad lazy to not get a job and instead leech!”

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This article was originally published on Mrs. Daaku Studio.

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