Why do some people fail to communicate things clearly and then hate it when you just can’t read their minds?

An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for leaving my sick husband to spend time with friends?”. We need you to find out.


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The Original Poster, OP is 31, with two young boys, she’s a full-time 12-hour shift worker, and in a full-time doctorate program.

“My husband is therefore the primary caregiver many nights when I’m working. We have full-time daycare, during the day, and he works from home.”, says OP.

What Happened The Other Night

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The other night, they had a date night planned. They were going to go out to dinner and then had plans to go to a bonfire with friends.

They got a sitter. OP got all dolled up. Dinner started great but hit a sour note when OP’s husband made the comment that he was disappointed they weren’t doing something more exciting. OP took it to heart because she was excited for the night they’d planned so she was moody and quiet.

The Bonfire

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They were still in a tiff heading back home to change for the bonfire. When it was time to meet their friends, the friends said they were finishing dinner/having a drink or two at a nearby restaurant and asked OP and her husband to join.

OP’s husband stated that he’d rather take the time to take a nap than meet them for the bonfire afterwards. OP did say she’d prefer he came with her, but he declined.

“So I went, had one drink, then came back to get him for the bonfire. He’d texted while I was out and said he’d thrown up, but still planned to go to the bonfire.”, says OP.

When OP Got Back To Pick Him Up

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OP got back to pick her husband up and asked if he still felt up to going to the bonfire and he said no. OP asked if he wanted her to pick up the kids from the sitter, early, and get them to bed so he didn’t have to while she was with their friends.

His response was, “I don’t care. I don’t really want to go get them.” So OP did go pick them up and brought them back and got them to bed.

“He was still distant, so I left to follow through with the original plans. I was out for 2.5 hours and got home before midnight. I took care of the kids for him to attend a golf tournament with his two guy friends for 9 hours the following day.”, says OP.

When He Got Back From Golfing The Next Day

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When OP’s husband got back from golfing, he expressed frustration that OP left him that night, stating that he’d never leave her when she was sick, and that the point of the night wasn’t to go see friends, it was to spend time together.

OP explained that she works nonstop, and to her, getting out of their house, out of routine, and having time to laugh and joke with friends was crucial.

“I explained that I would have rather spent the time with him, but he never, at the time, indicated that he wanted the time together, he wasn’t feeling great, and said at the time that he just wanted to go to bed. I had texted him several positive/caring messages while I was out, and got no response.”, says OP.

OP’s Husband’s Stance

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OP’s husband encouraged OP to make a post on the internet because he insisted that no “good” wife would leave their sick husband to spend time with friends, when the plan was to spend the night together, saying OP “ditched” him.

What Does OP Ask?

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“I said he should have expressed to me that the time together was important to him, and not been cold toward me, expecting me to abandon our previously-made plans and sit at home, again, then cover for his golf outing with friends, for nine hours, the following day.”, says OP.

Now OP wants to know if she is a jerk.

What Else Could You Do?

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“Not the jerk. Well, he was not sick, he was not feeling well, and he was well enough the next day to go golfing. You took care of the kids and let him sleep, I don’t know what else you could do.”

You Guys Need To Sit And Talk!

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“Hmm, the ‘good wife’ thing sticks out.

Sounds like he’s resentful you’re progressing in life and having some independence.

Sounds like you both need to have a serious chat about the health of your marriage, your expectations of the other and reestablish boundaries especially with respect to time together, with friends, with the kids, chores etc.”

Nobody Can Read Minds!

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“Not the jerk. You gave him plenty of opportunity to use his words and his texting fingers. But he expected you to read his mind. That’s never going to turn out well.”

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