Are family values considered naive in today’s society? Is it okay for your partner to control your finances or asking to prioritize over family?
An internet user recently asked, Am I a jerk for sending my younger sister money against my GF’s wishes? We’re all ears for your views!
The Original Poster’s (OP) younger sister (F25) is working towards getting her master’s degree in New York. While she loves the city and school, she hates how expensive everything has become. She does work part-time, but it simply isn’t enough.
OP’s parents (M77) and (F73) have been sending her money each month, but since they recently retired, they’ve had to cut back.
OP says, “To fill the gap, my brother (M28) and I (M32) have begun sending some money to our sister from time to time to help with her rent.”
Well, Then, What’s The Problem?
OP has a well-paying job and a close relationship with his sister, so he’s happy to help where he can. However, his GF (F30) has expressed dissatisfaction with the arrangement.
The problem is, they’ve been saving up to buy and put a downpayment on a house in the future, and his GF believes that his financial contributions to his sister are hindering their progress.
What Happened Yesterday?
Yesterday (which happened to be the day OP usually sends his sister money), GF told him that they needed to reduce expenses, and one suggestion she made was for him to no longer send money to his sister.
She believed that OP’s sister needed to learn how to manage her money better and that his brother (M28) should contribute more.
What Does OP Say
OP says, “I told her about how I feel a responsibility towards my sister and how my brother doesn’t make as much as I do, and while she did acknowledge that, she then said I was “financially naïve” and said she “doesn’t want me to be taken advantage of.” I was kinda disappointed hearing this, as I made the conscientious decision to help my sister and wasn’t falling for some sort of scam.”
What Happened Next?
The conversation ended because they both had to go to work, but she told him not to send anything until they’d further discussed this.
During his lunch break at work, OP sent his sister some money and told GF about this over dinner. She told him that she was “disappointed”.
OP says, “At this point, I was getting a little annoyed and responded by saying I was not willing to compromise my current arrangement with my sister. GF got upset with this and left the table. Am I a jerk?”
Some More Context
OP edited the post and added the following information later on:
“EDIT 1: I make about 15.5k/month and have been putting away 4-6k each month towards a future house. GF makes about 7k/month and currently saves around 1k/month for the house. She said she’ll contribute more once her student loans are paid off. I pay for rent and utilities, and GF pays for the bulk of groceries
I started sending my sister $1500/month since my parents retired
EDIT 2: Sis pays $2800/month in rent and $350/month in transportation. I contribute $1500/month; my brother pays $750/month, parents pay $500/month. Our mother was terrified of sis living in NYC on her own and only agreed if she lived in a nicer area and had a car”
You’re Spending Your OWN Damn Money!
“Not the jerk. OP does not share an account with the GF, so he spends his money. She does not get to dictate how he spends his money as long as shared expenses are covered. And they are.”
Be Careful, Mate
“GF doesn’t have to agree. It’s your money. Be very careful purchasing a home without very clear agreements on finances. GF is a partner, not a parent to tell you what to do and then punish you when you don’t comply.”
Can You See The RED FLAGS?
“Not the jerk, but massive red flags getting thrown around your gf my man.
It would be one thing if you were sending so much money that it was affecting your financial status. Or if your sister was lying or taking advantage of you and/or your brother. Or if your gf was also contributing money and no longer wanted to or you were sending shared money!
But none of those things is an issue, and literally, your sister is just trying to exist in an expensive city, and her extremely loving and generous brothers are choosing to support her “because they can and want to”, and that’s really beautiful!
You should reconsider buying a house and continuing a relationship with someone who prioritizes her own desires so far over yours. She’s seriously overstepping and disrespecting. Unless she’s not telling you some hidden fear or worry here that explains her bizarre self-centered stance, what she’s trying to force you into is selfish, uncaring, and just icky”
Someone’s Lacking Family Values
“You want to buy a house with a person with a significant lack of family values? I’d think this over. As I gather, your parents helped you and your brother during your studies. Now they are retired, they can’t do for your younger sister what they did for you and your brother.
I think it’s great both you and your brother are stepping up for your sister and, therefore as well for your parents.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs. Daaku Studio.