How would you feel if, in the middle of a surprise you planned to make your spouse happy, they suddenly started talking about their ex?
A netizen recently asked, “Am I a jerk for telling my husband my ex and I traveled to 56 countries together?”. We need to hear your thoughts on the matter.
Backstory
The Original Poster (OP) (44F) is turning 45 on August 3rd.
Two months ago, OP’s husband of 5 years (45M) surprised her and said he booked them a 10-day vacation to Italy. They leave on July 28th. OP’s husband is a special education middle school teacher so school is out until September.
OP’s So-Called ‘Great Idea’
OP has been making extra money on the side as a tutor.
So, they had some extra money and no kids so OP got a great idea: instead of having a birthday week celebration, she wanted to have a birthday month like how she did it in most of her twenties and early thirties.
When OP Told Her Plans To Her Husband
OP had a plan worked out where they’d spend the ten days in Italy and then go visit London, Amsterdam, and Paris. OP was good at finding good value Airbnbs and has not been in Europe since her breakup with her ex (50M).
When OP presented the plans to her husband, he said that they could go to more cities in Italy and he could help her edit pictures for her photography blog. However, he also said that he needed to have meetings and do administrative housekeeping, and he needed to do it in person.
What Did OP Do
OP was disappointed, and her husband got upset and asked her to stop rolling her eyes. OP told him that her ex worked 24/7 but they were still able to plan their time in order to travel the world – 56 countries in total.
OP’s Husband Snapped
OP’s husband snapped and said, “If I could, I would, but I don’t have the luxury of saying to my boss that I’ll call in when you asked everybody to be there in person!” He also said, “Sorry I don’t have Silicon Valley money to spend on vacations.”
Some Context About OP’s Ex
For context, OP was with her ex from when she was 23 to when she was almost 36. OP’s ex was very lucky and successful and they were able to go everywhere from Buenos Aires to Monaco to Turks and Caicos. They also split their time between opposite sides of the US.
However, OP’s ex was a commitment-shy man who drank a lot and did nothing about other women openly trying to take him from her. He was always switching from saying they were getting married soon to needing a few more years of no stress and kids to decide whether to marry OP.
The Traumatic Turn Of Events In OP’s Past Relationship
Finally, OP said they needed to take a break if he wasn’t ready to marry and he broke up with her permanently.
Worse, he married somebody a year later who is now only 27. OP was in therapy when she met her husband so she unloaded a lot about her ex for closure, and she continued to talk about what her life was like for 13 years until he said at therapy that he was uncomfortable since OP was reiterating old points.
OP Thinks What?
However, OP thinks her husband hates her ex not for what he did to her, but thinks OP is comparing him to her ex when according to her, she’s not.
“I was simply bringing up the fact that if my ex and I could manage our time to make these trips happen when he was technically always working my husband and I could work something out.
But he just got snappy with me. I wasn’t asking for a five-star vacation around the world- I just wanted to see more of Europe and my husband turned it into a competition. Am I a jerk?”, asks OP.
Your Demand Is Ridiculous!
“You’re the jerk. It sounds like your husband works extremely hard to earn enough to provide an expensive treat, and all you can do is demand more. A full month for your birthday? What kind of person can accommodate that? It would be ridiculous at any age, but in your 40’s it sounds extra childish and unreasonable.
Also then constantly comparing him to the ex that you are clearly obsessed with… You are a selfish jerk.”
Your Husband Might End Up Being Self Conscious
“You’re the jerk. Sounds like your husband tried to surprise you with a birthday vacation and you weren’t happy with it. So unhappy that you brought up your ex and all the stuff you did together. I’d be pretty upset with myself. Now he will probably be self-conscious wondering if you’re having a good time.”
You Are Selfish, That’s It
“You’re the jerk – your husband works two jobs to earn enough to provide an overseas holiday, and all you can do is complain he’s not giving enough, and then compare him to your ex?
You are selfish.”
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