Every individual’s brain functions differently. Some people tend to remember minute details from years ago, while others are more likely to forget them in less than an hour!

An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for keeping calendar reminders to ask my wife about stuff going on in her life?”. We need you to find out.


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It’s pretty much what the title says. OP’s wife has always been really good about staying aware of things happening in OP’s life that he cares about and periodically checking in with him to see how they’re going.

“You know – basic loving, caring partner stuff”, says OP.

What Did OP Realize Over Time?

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OP has found that showing his wife that same consideration does not always come naturally to him. He would say he is a fairly self-centered person. He wishes that weren’t the case but in retrospect, a lot of bad behavior on his part was not corrected and even enabled when he was young.

“By the time I realized this character flaw I was already well into adulthood and I have found that old habits die hard.”, says OP.

OP’s Confession

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OP doesn’t think he’s THAT bad. Of course, sometimes HE DOES remember that she was having that big meeting at work today or that her aunt was having surgery or whatever and he asks about it over dinner.

“But more often than I am proud to admit I get lost in my stuff and forget about hers.”, says OP.

A Couple Of Years Ago

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So, a couple of years ago, OP started setting reminders in his calendar so he wouldn’t forget. OP did not tell her he was doing this.

“Until now it’s worked really well. Often I don’t even need the reminder – just creating it helps the event stick in my active memory.”, says OP.

What Happened The Other Night

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The other night, OP’s wife saw one of his reminders. (She has a potentially painful dental procedure later this week, FYI.) They both happened to be looking at something on OP’s phone when it popped up.

“Needless to say she was surprised. I had no choice but to explain the whole situation.”, says OP.

His Wife’s Reaction

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OP wouldn’t say she thinks he’s a full-blown jerk. But she definitely found it weird and off-putting that he would need a system like that when she doesn’t and nobody else does.

OP kind of agrees with her. It never felt like a deep dark secret, but on the other hand, there’s obviously a reason he never told her or anyone else he was doing it.

What Does OP Ask?

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“Still, taking action to make sure I show consideration and concern for stuff that matters to her has to be better than continuing to forget, right? Am I a jerk?”, asks OP.

It Shows Genuine Consideration

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“Not the jerk. Taking the effort to add these occasions to your calendar and set reminders IS showing genuine consideration. Just because it’s different from how she naturally remembers doesn’t mean it’s any less valuable.”

Not Everyone’s Brain Works The Same Way

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“Nobody else does? Ummm hate to burst her bubble, but lots of neurodiverse people, myself included, have reminders like that. Not saying you’re ND but she needs to understand that not everyone’s brain works the same as hers and if you care enough to find an ‘accommodation’ (workaround) that works, she needs to stop with the judgment.

It’s not a moral failing, she’s not a better person than you because she naturally remembers these things, she doesn’t ‘care more’, your brains are literally just wired differently. Not the jerk.”

That’s A Really Sweet Gesture

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“No jerks here. You find it doesn’t come naturally, so you find a technique to help you do it. Many people might get defensive or insist that there is no way for them to remember. Not you! You figured out a system that would work for you. Good job.”

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