A user asked, Am I wrong for sitting with my brother-in-law instead of cooking?
Backstory
The Original Poster (OP) (29F) recently went on holiday with her husband (32), his parents, his sister (28), and her husband, Paul.
OP says, “I don’t get on with my husband’s family, but the trip was to a country where a lot of their extended family now live, and I tagged along because my husband and I were going to another location the week after.”
OP Is NOT Fond of Paul
OP is not particularly fond of Paul. He’s just, “but I’m a nice guy,” personified.
That said, it’s not so obvious all the time that you can’t be around him, and the whole family except our respective spouses dislike both of us, so there have been moments when OP has found herself seeking out Paul for conversation at events.”
What Happened Today?
On this particular day, OP’s husband had gone to a business meeting, and she stayed at the rental house. OP walked her husband out and saw Paul sitting by the pool, so she went to sit with him.
What Happened Next?
They were there for maybe ten minutes when her sister-in-law (SIL) came out and asked if she wanted to come inside and make lunch with her and her MIL.
OP said, “No thanks, I’m not hungry,” because she generally doesn’t eat lunch unless at a restaurant and wasn’t planning to eat. This annoyed her SIL for some reason, and she went back inside.
Five Minutes Later
Five minutes later, OP’s MIL came out and said she should come to the kitchen. OP again said no thanks, “I don’t cook and I’m not planning on eating, so I’m fine here.”
What Happened After?
A while later, OP mentioned going to get a drink, but Paul offered to get it, so OP let him. When Paul returned with the drink, he mentioned that SIL and MIL were mad at OP, but she brushed it off.
Eventually, Paul got called in for lunch, and OP went out to town for a while.
What Happened When She Got Back?
When OP returned, she walked into all the in-laws, telling her husband that she needed to stop treating them like “the help” and how OP was flirting with Paul.
OP says, “They seemed a bit uncomfortable when they realized I’d heard them, but MIL insisted my husband needed to stick up for them. My husband said it’s SIL’s choice if she wants to be a maid for her deadbeat husband but to stop trying to force everyone else into it.”
What Did SIL Do?
SIL started crying, Paul got upset, and the parents started arguing.
Eventually, OP’s husband told everyone to let it go, which they did, but they were very standoffish for the rest of the trip, which OP preferred.
What Does OP Feel?
OP says, “I feel bad because future trips like this are off the table. I was speaking to my mom about it on the phone, and she said she understands where they’re coming from since, in some families, that’s how it works.
She said maybe SIL was uncomfortable that she was inside cooking for her husband while he was spending time with me. Still, he could have sat with her if he wanted to, and I’m not obligated to toss salad around just because I have a uterus performatively.
That said, even in my family, women do usually sit together. I’m just wondering if the drama was partly my fault.”
She wants to know if she is a jerk.
What Others Think
“SIL and MIL created all the drama when they decided to lie and attack you to your hubby. Kudos to him for knowing what’s up and putting everyone in their place.
You two will be happier without being forced into this situation again.”
This Is Mostly About Paul
“Not a jerk. This is mainly about Paul, not tossing salad.
Your SIL does not like you spending time with her husband. And then he went into the house to get you a drink while you lounged by the pool.
Meanwhile, she was in the kitchen making his lunch. I’ve known many men like this; they see no problem with relegating their wives to the boring role of maid/cook/etc., and then seek other women’s company (even platonic) because they aren’t dull. So obtuse and selfish, they never see the connection.
Not your fault; this is between them. SIL is trying to blame you for problems with her husband rather than standing up to her husband.
If there is a next time, suggest a ‘girls lunch’ at a restaurant, just you and SIL. Perhaps she would appreciate a family member supporting her in being more equal in her marriage than yours.”
Your SIL Needs To Stand Up For Herself
“SIL doesn’t stand up for herself with her husband, so she was upset with OP and not him. She goes along with her role of maid/cook. She will never ask him to help, and she knows he would never agree if she did.
Notice that SIL and MIL felt comfortable complaining to him that OP wasn’t helping in the kitchen, but they didn’t ask anything of him.”
MIL and SIL Have An Outdated View
“It’s not about Paul. It’s about SIL & MIL having an outdated view of a woman’s role. Paul was living his life. It’s the other two that cant handle it.”
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