You certainly cannot like or dislike traditional gender roles at your convenience. If you want your partner to take responsibility for your family’s finances, you ought to take care of your household!

An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for telling my wife she no longer has an excuse to not work?”. Read on to know what exactly happened.


Happy mother with newborn baby
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The Original Poster (OP) and his wife had their first child two years ago, a beautiful little girl. OP and his wife agreed that her being an SAHM was worth it, and OP could sustain the household on his income. OP started to notice about a year in that she was getting overwhelmed and asked what OP could do to help.

“She claimed to be fine, but I started to price around childcare options. Spoke with friends, family, and colleagues looking for any suggestions, recommendations, and resources. That is when my boss told me our job has childcare benefits.”, says OP.

Everything Seemed To Work Out

couple happy
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That was awesome! OP started the paperwork, got the approval, and got put on a wait list. OP brought it up with his wife and they toured the place with their daughter. She loved it.

About 4 months ago, a spot opened up, and their daughter was now in daycare. It is run in the same office building OP works at, so it is super convenient to drop her off when OP heads to work and pick her up when he leaves. It was perfect!

Here Is Where The Issue Arrives

Couple fighting in front of child.
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OP’s wife is not doing anything. They split the household chores. That is how it was in OP’s family growing up and OP finds cleaning and cooking relaxing. So OP is fine with it. That being said, OP’s wife has not done much with her day since their daughter started daycare.

What Does OP Say

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“I understand that adjustments take time. That being said, the original agreement was for her to be a SAHM, with our daughter in daycare. Not being rude, staying home to be a mom is not happening. I brought up the million-dollar question ‘When are you going back to work?’.”, says OP.

OP Finally Speaks Up

Abusive relationships. Interracial unhappy family couple come arguing at home, angry African American young man husband abuser yelling screaming at upset crying wife. Verbal abuse concept
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This may have been a miscalculation on OP’s part, but he figured he was in this deep. Let’s see it to the end. She gave OP a glare of death and tried to change the subject.

OP kindly interjected, not trying to push her but practically speaking he told her that she has no excuse to not be working. This was OP’s tactical error she blew up.

“Thankfully, during this, my daughter was at my parent’s house so she didn’t hear or see the yelling.”, says OP.

They Went Back And Forth

Sad pensive couple thinking of relationships problems sitting on sofa, conflicts in marriage, upset couple after fight dispute, making decision of breaking up get divorced
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They went back and forth using the classic lines from both sides of the camp. She used the good husband to provide the option for their wife to stay home. OP said if she wants to be then either watch their daughter or do the housework. Her being home is not a free pass to do nothing.

“She clapped back with your coworkers’ wives to stay home and do nothing. I told her I agree but they have cheated on their wives. Want me to start doing that?”, says OP.

OP’s sure you can piece together the rest.

OP’s Justification Behind The Cheating Comment

Angry Young African Man Screaming At Woman
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According to OP, the comment about cheating was not a threat; she was using the fact that the wives of OP’s coworkers get to be home even though their kids are also in daycare.

“I pointed out that the husbands were cheating on them. My coworkers’ situation is skewed, they have found it is more beneficial to stay together from the wives’ side.

We live in a state where spousal support has caps and does not matter how many years you were married before. Husbands stick around cause the status quo is just easier. It was just to state that is not the life she thinks it is.”, says OP.

She’s A Hypocrite

confused and doubtful shrugging shoulders to hold a copy space.
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“Not the jerk. She wants you to take on the 1950’s role as the sole provider for the family but finds the role of the 1950’s housewife insulting. She can’t have her cake and eat it, too. She either does 80%+ of the household chores or she gets a job.”

She Is No Longer Contributing The Way She Should

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“Not the jerk. She is no longer contributing to round-the-clock child care, originally keeping her out of the workforce. It is only natural she re-enters the workforce.

At the very least, if you cover child care and are the sole income and do all pickups and drop-offs then she should at least do all the household chores. If she only does half of them then she isn’t really contributing a fair share at all.”

It Is Not Fair To You

young pretty woman looking angry, annoyed and frustrated screaming wtf or what’s wrong with you against gray background.
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“Not the jerk. If the chores are being split equally, you carry more than 75% of the responsibilities of this family. It is not fair to you.

You might feel bad telling her this now, but the resentment will build up and strain your relationship in the future and will become way more complicated if you delay this.”

There Is No Excuse For Her

Closeup portrait photo of young boss student wear bright neon t-shirt eyebrow up misunderstanding hand up irritated isolated on purple color background.
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“Not the jerk, there is no excuse for her. She should either be working or doing all the housework while you’re at work.”

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