Sometimes, you unintentionally end up giving weird spontaneous reactions to sensitive situations. The best way to fix things under such circumstances is to apologize!
An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for how I (37M) reacted to my son (17M) coming out to me?”. We need to hear your thoughts on the matter.
Backstory
So, the Original Poster (OP) has always known his son had an interest in men. He was slow on the pick up of incognito mode, and from the searches he made, OP figured he was at least “Bi-curious” (if that’s the proper term for it) since he hit puberty.
What Does OP Say
“Well, last year, he started bringing a boy around, and it was obvious they were dating, to the point I figured that he knew I knew, and it wasn’t a big deal to anyone.”, says OP.
What Happened Yesterday
Well, apparently, OP was wrong. After school, yesterday, OP’s son and his boyfriend came up to OP and said there was something really important they needed to tell me. OP’s son said that they were dating and had been for a year.
“Well… I was surprised that he wasn’t aware I knew and was a bit thrown off. My mouth moved faster than my brain and I said ‘Well, that’s pretty gay’.”, says OP.
OP’s Thoughts
Now, OP thought it was peak comedy since it is in fact gay. However, OP understands using the word gay in that way gives it a very negative undertone, hence the mouth faster than brain comment.
The Final Chaos
Now OP and his son are usually pretty “edgy” with their humor, this being fairly tame for the stuff they joke about. While probably not appropriate for the situation, it wasn’t their norm for a conversation between them. However, OP’s son and his boyfriend were very, very upset and left.
What Does OP Feel
“I’m probably the jerk but I thought I would check, and see if you all had some advice on what I can say to fix it. He currently won’t respond to my texts or calls”, says OP.
You’re The Funny Jerk Here
“You’re the funny jerk here. Trust me, in a very short space of time, you and your son will look back on the moment and laugh about it.
Just give him time to simmer down, apologize and explain what you knew and thought. It was very obvious it was just an unspoken understanding and no big deal was made about it and again, say sorry for not realizing he wasn’t yet at the place mentally about the situation that you were and obviously thought he was.”
Apologize Immediately!
“Definitely you’re the jerk. They came to you for support and you tried to be funny about it, without knowing the boyfriend’s sense of humor.
I would apologize asap and make sure your son and his BF know you accept and support them.”
You Made A Joke That Flopped
“You made a mistake. I don’t think that makes you a jerk. You made a joke that flopped. Now you just have to apologize sincerely and give him an opportunity to have a conversation on the topic that leaves the jokes aside.
You’re doing your best. I say dumb things to my trans son on occasion, and I’m usually forgiven.”
You’re Going To Get Rinsed
“You’re going to get rinsed, but I’ll give my gay perspective. It’s fine in the end, as long as you talk to him. He’s told you something big, despite you already knowing.
He’ll be wanting some tiny bit of obvious support and a little bit of shock. We fight really hard as teens to hide our true selves, and to realise it didn’t work hurts a bit.
Talk though, I suspect you’re a good dad really.”
You’re The Jerk For Your Wording
“You’re the jerk for your wording. It no doubt hurt your son and his BF. You have no idea as to how his BF’s family is when it comes to their relationship so you could have been a ‘safe space’ for them both to share their feelings and relationship.”
You Need A Follow-Up Conversation
“I feel like most people expect a negative reaction to *coming out*. So even though this was in the lane of the humor you and your son share, given the timing of it, his sensitivity to the situation meant that it wouldn’t be received well.
No jerks here, I just think you need a follow-up conversation to let him know you don’t really GIVE A DAMN. Some people are gay.”
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