What happens when a polite request turns into an ugly argument? Keep on reading to know!
An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for asking my Dad’s narcissistic fiancé to stop calling us ‘kids’?”. We want to hear your thoughts!
Backstory
The Original Poster (OP) (27F), has one sister (29 F,“B”) and their parents are divorced. OP’s Dad (63 M) and Victoria “V” (67 F) have been together for around 4 years.
“V started out being pretty good to us and my dad for the first few years. They got engaged a year ago and it’s been downhill ever since.”, says OP.
OP’s boyfriend (“C”, 28 M) and her BIL (33 M) round out their group.
About Two Years Ago
About two years ago, V started referring to the four of them as “kids”. For example: they have a family home in a different city, and when they visit, V refers to the rooms on the top floor (OP’s, B’s) as the “kids rooms”.
V calling the four of them kids has implications:
1) that they are all related to each other,
2) that they are all the ages of children, and
3) V does speak to them generally as though they are children.
When OP Confronted V
Where it gets tricky is that OP asked V to not call them kids anymore, and the conversation went poorly. C and OP were leaving their family home after staying the weekend there with OP’s dad and V. OP’s dad was outside, and C and OP were saying their goodbyes to V.
How Did It Go
This is the conversation:
OP: “Hey, I wanted to bring something up to you. Would it be okay if you didn’t call us kids anymore? It gives off the impression that we’re all related, which is a little uncomfortable, and that we’re all young like kids’ ages, when I’m the youngest of the group at 27.”
V: “Yes, of course, I won’t say that again! But you need to talk to your dad about that too.”
(It confused OP since her dad calls herself and B his daughters, but never uses the word kids. It threw OP for a loop so she ended up saying something that didn’t go well.)
OP: “But he’s my dad…?”
V: “I just don’t understand why you always give me such a hard time.”
Here’s Where OP Thinks She Might Be The Jerk
OP got frustrated since V had escalated the conversation out of nowhere; it became irrelevant to what OP was politely asking, and she shifted the focus off of her:
OP: “Well, that’s a two-way street V. The four of us feel this way, not just me. I don’t think I’ve ever truly asked you for anything, so please honor the one request I’m making of you not to call us kids.”
What Happened After OP Left
OP didn’t want to continue the conversation further so she left out the door and waited in the car. C tells OP that after she left, V turned to him and said, “I just got chewed out for no reason”.
C walked out, as OP’s dad was walking into the house. Whatever V said to OP’s Dad was awful enough that it prompted him to storm outside and begin yelling at OP, starting with “Do you want to explain what the hell just happened in there?!”.
OP tried to explain that she had asked V nicely to not call them kids anymore, but her explanation fell on deaf ears. He was yelling/cursing at OP, standing up for V, and even asked if this was “OP’s biggest grief in life”. OP was sobbing the whole time.
The Aftermath
“It’s gone really poorly since then. B mediated a conversation between myself and my dad, but he only put the blame on me and said I owed V an apology (I did apologize to her).
I thought it would be a small request, but it blew up into something way bigger than it needed to. Am I a jerk?”, asks OP.
Your Request Was Fine
“Not the jerk. While you might be overreacting to the word ‘kids’ (my parents still refer to us as kids and I’m in my mid-40’s with kids of my own!) your request was fine, V overreacted, and your dad went a major jerk with the yelling/cursing.”
All Of You Are At Fault
“Everyone’s in the wrong. It really sounds like you are reading too much into it. My brothers, cousin, and I were well into our 40’s, still being referred to as *kids* by the older generation of our family.
However, if it bothers you all, she should stop. Her reaction was childish and pot-stirring. Your dad’s tantrum was also ridiculous.”
A Respectful Adult Should Have Understood Your Point
“Not the jerk. Even if other people do not agree with your feelings about being referred to as ‘kids’ you, an adult, politely asked someone to stop referring to you as a child and even if they don’t agree, that is something that a respectful adult should be willing to do.
Also, I do think there is a difference between an adult who raised you continuing to refer to you as the ‘kids’ and an adult who did not join your life until you were also an adult referring to you as a ‘kid’.”
But She’s Not Demeaning You!
“Honestly, you’re the jerk. It’s a normal expression to refer to the adult children of parents and step-parents as ‘The Kids’. She’s not demeaning you, she’s not thinking you aren’t an adult. It’s an expression for a group of people who are offspring of either or both of the parents. It doesn’t imply anything beyond that. Get over yourself.”
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