Imagine being married to a fully grownup adult who’s not only incapable of planning a travel journey all by himself but also lacks the slightest degree of gratitude for getting everything on a platter!
An internet user asked, “Will I be a jerk for canceling Christmas?”.
The Original Poster, OP adds, “I (31F) am tired of planning vacations for my ungrateful husband (33M) and his twin”.
Keep on reading to know what exactly happened!
Backstory
OP and her husband have been together for seven years, and married for three months. They both work high-stress jobs, with high incomes and no children. They are frugal and spend their money on savings and trips.
In their relationship, OP plans their retirement, keeps track of finances, hosts friends/family, arranges gifts, makes appointments, and plans their vacations (they travel a lot).
“For his part, he does laundry and cooks and does the dishes more than me. He gets along well with everyone and is the more ‘easygoing’ one.”, says OP.
What Usually Happens On Their Trips?
On their trips, OP has asked her husband to help her with tasks ranging from helping her plan beforehand to finding an Uber.
Usually, he ignores OP until it’s too late and OP has to make the decision, or he makes mistakes (getting an Uber to the wrong place, or forgetting beach towels OP asked him to bring).
“Mistakes aren’t a big deal, but he places the blame for them on me.”, says OP.
Since When Is This Happening?
This issue is not new to them. For their wedding, OP did 99% of the planning and her husband promised in return that he would plan a honeymoon. Right before the wedding, he looked up a Costco package that was almost twice as expensive as they’d agreed to spend, and that didn’t have guaranteed spots.
“What I really wanted him to do was not to find an all-inclusive unaffordable trip (that we didn’t go on) but do something that was tailored to us.”, says OP.
The Twin Brother
OP’s husband also has a twin brother who often comes along with them. Like OP’s husband, his twin doesn’t help plan and he had never thanked OP for planning trips for them.
He behaves like coming on the trips is a gift to OP. Outside of this, OP has tried to be his friend, but she feels no reciprocity.
“I get him gifts for his birthday and holidays, text and call him, and include him (i.e. asking him if he wants me to write his name on a Mother’s Day card when he hasn’t helped pick a gift)”, says OP.
Meet OP’s Ungrateful Brother-In-Law
Right now, they’re all on a flight back from Hawaii where OP researched hotels and flights, put together schedules, booked hikes and dinners, rented a car, etc.
When OP brought up the fact that they complained a lot and never said thank you, OP’s brother-in-law said that he told OP the “sunset was nice,” and that is the same as a thank you.
OP’s Husband’s Ridiculous Behavior
When OP told this to her husband and explained how upset she is with both of them for not helping her (not yelling but definitely not in a calm way), he told OP to screw herself.
OP’s husband also said that if she cancels future trips then she’s no longer invited to her in-laws’ Thanksgiving (the one thing his mom plans).
What Does OP Say?
“I’ve already planned and booked an elaborate three-week Christmas trip to Italy for the three of us (they say they want to go while doing nothing) but I just feel exhausted.
At this point, I’m considering canceling it entirely, canceling my own portion, or canceling one or both of their portions and going solo. Would I be the jerk if I took one of those paths?”, asks OP.
Stop Letting Him Abuse You
“Why did you marry this boy? He wanted a mom/slave and not a wife. He allows his brother to be abusive as well. Go on a trip alone over Christmas. If his mom excludes you from Thanksgiving then you know that you don’t have a place in this family. Stop letting him abuse you.”
You Know You Deserve Better
“Not the jerk, but you are taking care of both of them as if you’re their employee. They’re both incredibly immature, rude and downright mean. Why would you allow yourself to be treated like this? You know you deserve better.”
They’ve Been Extremely Ungrateful
“Not the jerk. You have assumed responsibility for planning the vacations and I think your husband and his brother have been ungrateful.
I think one of the things you might try to have to consider is that if you give up and let them help you plan they’re going to make mistakes and it’s probably gonna make you angry.”
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