A netizen recently asked, “Am I a jerk for visiting my late son’s grave on his and his living twin’s birthday?” Tell us what you think in the comments section!
Backstory:
The Original Poster’s (OP’s) son was born with a birth defect, and only lived three hours.
He had a name, and two parents who loved him, and now he has a small grave in OP’s local cemetery, buried next to the rest of his family.
What Happened Last Week?
His twin sister, who was born completely healthy, turned five last week. Every year on their birthday, OP takes time to visit his son’s grave.
OP’s wife used to come with him, but last year, she didn’t. OP respected her decision but went anyway.
This past week, after OP got back from his son’s grave, his wife confronted him.
What Did OP’s Wife Say?
She told OP she was “tired of (him) living in the past.”
She said a few different things to that effect, but the one that sticks with him most is “He’s dead, hell he was barely even alive! I’m sick of you disappearing for hours on (OP’s daughter’s) birthday night.
I’m starting to think you love him more than her or me.” (For clarity, OP always goes after his daughter goes to bed.)
How Did OP React To Her Comments?
OP was horrified. He had no idea she felt that way. Then he was furious with her for that “barely alive” comment.
OP said “I’m ashamed to admit that I shouted at her, and she’s now staying with her parents. I have apologized for my outburst via text, but she has not responded.
Her unwillingness to communicate with me makes me think I might have done something unforgivable. Am I a jerk?”, asks OP.
Everyone Grieves Differently
“YOU didn’t do anything wrong, for sure, but there’s a problem in your marriage.
I think that I’m going to go with ‘No jerks here’. But the two of you need to talk. Everyone grieves differently.” said one.
“I agree. No jerks here really tbh just two differing views. I personally can absolutely see the wife’s side. Even if many can’t.” Another added.
You Should Consider Counseling
“Not the jerk. Grieve how you need to. I would guess your wife’s outburst came from her going through her own grieving process. But just because she wants to move on one way, doesn’t mean you need to do the same.
I think you should consider couples counseling with a counselor who specializes in child loss.”
You’re Triggering Her Pain
“You go after your daughter is in bed. You are trying to honor your lost child without bringing it to your living child. On that grounds, you ain’t the jerk.
But one thing to consider is that your wife sees this as something that brings that pain back. Losing a child is the hardest thing imaginable, and you and your wife are dealing with it differently.
Your way of dealing with it makes it harder for her to deal with it her way. The way for you to resolve that starts with understanding that.”
Nobody Is Wrong Here
“No jerks here. You get to grieve for your lost child as you see fit. It’s not inconveniencing anyone.
But she’s not wrong for grieving differently, for wanting to take joy in what is vs seeing the sorrow of what was.
No one asked for your son to pass on his and his sister’s birthday obviously. It is just a crappy situation. And it sounds like this year the grief bubbled over for you both.
I’m sorry for your loss.”
You Guys Need Professional Help
“OP there’s some seriously unresolved issue with the death of your child between you and your wife, and just finding out about it 5 years later means that it’s been building up for a while.
You both need to seriously see someone professionally so it doesn’t potentially become the hill either one of you dies on.
If your daughter hasn’t felt the disconnect yet between you two about this, she will eventually. Best of luck to you.”
You Missed Important Details
“Without knowing what you shouted at her it’s impossible to make a judgment.
However, it doesn’t look like this marriage is going to survive if you don’t get some serious couples therapy.
You both seem to have unresolved issues about your child’s death.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.