When a family member is grieving a loss, it is crucial to offer them support and comfort. However, in this situation, her brother and his wife announced their pregnancy earlier, which had a significant impact on OP. Is the responsibility for this situation on OP or her brother?
A user asked the forum, “Am I a jerk for Not Congratulating My Brother On His Wife’s Pregnancy?”
BACKSTORY
The original poster (OP) had to terminate her pregnancy three weeks ago due to her baby’s brain not forming correctly.
OP and her partner had been trying for over a year to get pregnant, and OP was crying about not being pregnant constantly and even went and saw a hypnotist to get her to stop obsessing.
THAT HAPPY MOMENT
They were just starting to look into IVF when they became pregnant spontaneously, and they were so damn happy.
RESULTS SHOCKED THEM
OP says that they were halfway through the pregnancy when the doctors started to get worried about the scans.
OP says to save a long and heartbreaking story short, their beautiful baby would not have survived, and they had no real choice but to terminate.
Because OP was so far along, the safest way for her to terminate was to birth her dead baby.
WHAT DID THEY GO THROUGH?
OP says that no words she can write there will come close to aptly describing the pure, concentrated hell she and her husband went through in that hospital room.
OP describes entering a hospital pregnant and leaving with nothing but a box of paperwork and some pills as an unspeakably terrible trauma she wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
FAST FORWARD TO TWO WEEKS LATER, SHE STARTED TO HEAL
OP says that two weeks had passed, and she had been slowly healing physically and emotionally.
THEY ANNOUNCED THEIR PREGNANCY
She had just started to get out of bed when OP’s brother and his wife announced to the whole family that they were pregnant with their second child (only seven weeks).
OP says that her Mother broke the news to her because they didn’t want to be the ones to tell her.
HOW DID OP FEEL?
OP says that at first, she was so heartbroken, but then she became enraged.
OP says that she doesn’t understand why they didn’t wait to announce their pregnancy till 12 weeks. (As is usually the tradition).
THEY NEVER DID THIS WITH THEIR FIRST PREGNANCY
OP says that they have a daughter already, and they waited 12 weeks before they told anyone that time but this time, they didn’t; they decided to announce early at seven weeks.
OP feels like it was unintentionally cruel to announce it so soon after her baby’s death. OP also added that her baby is still lying dead on a slab in a morgue awaiting an autopsy and cremation, and they couldn’t even wait for that.
HER BROTHER KNEW ALL THE STRUGGLES
OP says that she and her brother are very close, and he knew of all the struggles they were having conceiving and then all the troubles with the pregnancy.
OP also added that she was very aware of what she and her partner had been through and how she was coping.
Her brother and his wife even prayed over her one day (they are super religious, OP is not, especially now) to help god give her a happy, healthy baby.
WHAT DID OP DO?
OP says that she felt so betrayed and angry that she sent him a text message calling him and his wife cruel people and said he had to know what his news would have made her feel. If the shoe was on the other foot, she would have kept her news for a few weeks longer, they could of at the very least waited until the next month.
SHE ENDED THEIR RELATIONSHIP
OP says that she never congratulated them on their pregnancy and told them that their relationship was over and to not contact her anymore.
OP says that when she told her mother what she did, she defended her brother and his wife and said it wouldn’t have mattered when he shared his news.
IT HURT HER SO MUCH
OP says that she was not sure how he feels about it as they haven’t talked and probably won’t until she calms down a little more. OP added that it hurts her so much.
Now OP wants to know if what she did is wrong.
YOU ARE A JERK
“You are a jerk for sending him that nasty text message. I understand that you are hurting terribly, but you are punishing your brother for no reason. He didn’t do anything wrong.
He didn’t announce his good news (and it IS good news, even if you don’t want to hear it right now) to hurt you. Honestly, a couple of weeks would not have made any difference to how you felt about the news.
You are grieving for your loss, and I believe that is what made you react in the way you did, but that does not excuse your behavior.
I am very sorry about your loss and hope that you recover soon to a point where you are able to function somewhat normally. I know that you will never recover completely from this.”
WILL YOU STOP ENJOYING YOUR LIFE JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS SAD?
“When I was grieving, it felt strange seeing people doing their thing, smiling, laughing, celebrating, enjoying the weather…because my own world had turned black. There was this weird contrast between the hell I felt internally and the sheer normalcy around me.
Then I thought I wonder how many times I’ve passed a person who was dealing with their own hell while I was obliviously enjoying my life? 1000s of times. Our grief is our own. We don’t stop our lives for others, either…all we can do is be sensitive.
Grief can’t be shared, or we’d all be depressed all the time. It’s just one of those things. I’m very sorry for your loss – loss is hell, but try not to push people away… it’s easy to become bitter and want to blame others, but it doesn’t change anything. You won’t forget your baby; that’s all that matters.”
THE WORLD WON’T STOP FOR YOUR LOSS
“I’m sorry for your loss. Your reaction, however, makes you an AH. The world doesn’t stop for us and our tragedies. How is it cruel to announce a pregnancy just because someone else is no longer pregnant?
Pregnancy isn’t a zero-sum game.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.