Pregnancy can be a beautiful and rewarding experience, but it can also be physically and emotionally challenging. A user asked, Am I wrong for “pressuring” my daughter-in-law to let me help her during her pregnancy?
Backstory
The Original Poster (OP) lives in the US. OP (f) has two kids, Kylie (f28) and Chris (m25), and both of them are married. OP’s daughter has two kids (m5 and m2); OP had helped her through both pregnancies as that was something she wanted.
OP stayed at her and her husband’s house for about a month for both pregnancies.
What About The Son?
OP’s son got married to a foreign girl Camila (f24), she’s from Latin America. They announced a couple of months ago that they’re expecting their first baby.
Camila has no family here, so OP and her family her only family in the country.
What Did OP Say?
OP told her to count on her for whatever she needed with the pregnancy since OP knows that first pregnancies can be scary if you’re alone.
She thanked OP and sometimes called OP to know if something was expected, or she tells OP that she felt “X” thing and asks if she should go to the doctor and such.
What Happened Next?
She’s now close to 30 weeks now.
They celebrated her baby shower last weekend with friends and family. The baby shower was held in OP’s house; after everyone left, OP’s son, her, and OP’s daughter’s family stayed over to have dinner together.
What Did OP Ask Camila?
OP asked Camila if her mom would come to visit and help her through the delivery and postpartum weeks, to which she said she wasn’t going to since her mom works.
It’s not something that people used to do in Uruguay (her native country) because couples tend to want some alone time after the baby’s born there.
What Did OP Say?
OP told her that it sounded sad to be alone and that it is relatively common for grandmas to go and help around when a baby’s born, that OP did it for my daughter like OP’s mom did it for OP, etc.
What Does OP Say
OP says, “I told her that I could help her if she wants; I can go stay over at her house for a couple of weeks before the birth so she can rest. I can cook, do laundry, clean, and all those stuff, so she doesn’t have to.
And then I can stay over after the baby is here to continue helping with the house and the baby. She told me it’s not necessary since my son will have paternity leave, so he can do all of that stuff.”
OP Said Her Son Cannot Help With Everything
OP told her that there is some stuff that he will not be able to do either (like helping with postpartum) and that they’re both first-time parents, so they have a lot to learn, and it’s helpful to have someone who already did it around.
What Did The Son Do?
OP’s son agreed; he said that’s true and that he won’t be able to provide the same help and support that another mother can.
We continued talking a bit more about that until she said it’s ok for OP to help. They left after dinner.
What Did The Daughter Tell OP?
OP’s daughter stayed a bit over because she wanted to talk to OP.
She said OP was overstepping because Camila was very uncomfortable with OP staying over, and that will add stress to her. She said OP is not respecting her wishes of having alone time after the birth like she’s used to. She also said OP pressured her into telling OP what she wanted to hear.
OP wants to know if she is right.
What Others Say
“You are a jerk.
You: This is how we do it.
Her: This is how we do it.
You: Your way is sad and wrong. My way better.
Her: We will still do it our way.
You: Your way won’t work. It won’t I say. My way is superior.
Son: Sure mom, your way has benefits.
You: See??? My way!! MY WAY!!!
Her: Fine. Sure.
Daughter: Voice of Reason.
She is 100% right. Even if you just wanted to help, you were rude, insulting, and badgering. What is your son to do here? Turn you down? Turn down the help? Argue against the notion that you have a special experience. Complete jerk.
Try to LISTEN to your DIL moving forward.”
Not Everyone Is The Same
“You are a jerk. THE. MOTHER’S. BIRTHING. EXPERIENCE. IS. NOT. ABOUT. WHAT. YOU. WANT.
And it’s not “common” in the US to have somebody invade your home for a month post-partum. That is the stuff my NIGHTMARES were made of when I gave birth. I had to fight off my mother AND his from invading my birthing room and my house.
If your daughter had ENJOYED the experience of having you underfoot after she gave birth, she probably would have told her SIL, “Yeah it can be helpful,”… but she was the one saying NO. Tell me you browbeat your daughter into making her birthing experiences about YOU and what you wanted.
Call your DIL and tell her you understand she would prefer her privacy, and you will be waiting for her to call and tell you when SHE is ready. Also, your son is a grown man who can help his wife with whatever she needs, and she would probably be more COMFORTABLE with her husband helping her with certain things than her MIL.
Stop over-stepping and stay in your damn lane before your DIL is on here asking if she’s TA for keeping her overbearing nightmare of a MIL away from herself and her kids.”
Your Daughter and DIL Is Different
“Your daughter wanting you there is entirely different than a total stranger who is your husband’s mother seeing you bleed everywhere and leak from everything.
Birth is gross and private. Some people are fine holding court for the whole family in the hospital room. I wanted people there one at a time. Plus, you would encourage her husband to push domestic labor off on women.”
More From Mrs Daaku Studio:
Strange but True: 10 European Habits That Leave Americans Scratching Their Heads.
We wanted to know what are the European traits that Americans find strange.
10 European Habits That Leave Americans Scratching Their Heads
10 Endangered Jobs That May NOT Be Around Much Longer
Some professions are becoming obsolete as technology, and societal shifts continue to shape the workforce. We bave listed some jobs that don’t see the light in the coming years.
10 Endangered Jobs That May Not Be Around Much Longer
Kill It: 10 Frugal Things That You’re Doing, But Aren’t Worth it ANYMORE!
While being frugal is a wise financial practice, not all frugal habits appeal to everyone. Some may find certain practices tedious, uncomfortable, or just not worth it anymore.
Kill It Now: 10 Frugal Things That You’re Doing, But Aren’t Worth It Anymore
11 Most Hated or Useless Jobs That People Wish They Could Eliminate From Society
The modern job market is diverse, and each profession has a unique value. However, specific jobs may be considered useless, providing little benefit to society.
11 Most Hated or Useless Jobs That People Wish They Could Eliminate from Society
Don’t Get Duped: 10 Biggest Rip-Offs That You Are Continuously Buying
As consumers, we often fall prey to clever marketing tactics and gimmicks that convince us to buy overpriced products or services that don’t live up to expectations.
Don’t Get Duped: 10 Biggest Rip-offs That You Are Continuously Buying
This article was originally published on Mrs. Daaku Studio.