What should parents do if their child is not invited to a party where all of their other friends are going?
A user asked the forum, “Am I a jerk for trying to invite my daughter to someone’s party and possibly ruining it?”. Read the complete story to know if this is wrong.
BACKSTORY
The Original Poster’s (OP’s) daughter, 9, goes to a small school with 11 girls in her grade.
OP says that her daughter’s class is very tight-knit, and they all get along well. About a year ago, the girls started a book club and met up at different homes two times per month.
SHE HAD TO STOP
OP’s daughter was in it last summer, but they had to stop when the school year began because she’s a competitive dancer, which requires a lot of time.
3 WEEKS LATER
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. They had a girl in her class named Sarah. Sarah asked OP’s daughter if she was excited to attend Addy’s, another girl in the class, birthday party.
IT WAS A SWIMMING PARTY
She said it was a swimming party, and they’d be playing a movie on an outdoor screen.
THEY DIDN’T RECEIVE AN INVITE
But OP’s daughter hadn’t received an invite. OP says that when Sarah’s mom came, Sarah told her how OP and her daughter hadn’t received an invite for Addy’s birthday.
THEY SUGGESTED TEXTING ADDY’S MOM
Sarah’s mom said Addy had handed them out at the last book club and had probably just forgotten to reach out.
She suggested OP text Addy’s mom. OP was initially hesitant because she has strong feelings about inviting herself to things.
OP TEXTED HER
OP says that she couldn’t see a real reason why she wasn’t invited since it was an at-home party and every other girl was.
OP texted Addy’s mom and reminded her that her daughter hadn’t been at the last book club and if she was also supposed to receive an invite.
IT WAS LIMITED TO 10 GIRLS
OP says that she responded that they had hired someone to do a spa for the girls during the party, and the service had a limit of 10. So, they decided to only do the girls in the book club.
SHE DIDN’T EXPECT THEM TO FIND OUT
She also added that she didn’t expect them to find out.
WHAT DID OP RESPOND?
OP responded that she understood but felt it was wrong to not include just one. She also told her daughter that they couldn’t expect to be invited every time and this was just a life lesson.
SARA’S MOM FOLLOWED UP
Then, Sarah’s mom reached out to ask if OP had sorted it out.
OP sent her a screenshot from the conversation. She didn’t respond for a few days, but when she did, she told OP that she had decided Sarah wouldn’t attend.
She felt it was wrong not to include just one child, and she could see if their kids didn’t get along or had drama, but that wasn’t the case. They hired someone knowing just one girl would be left out, and she didn’t agree with it.
WHAT DID ADDY’S MOM SAY
OP got a text from Addy’s mom a week later that a total of 4 girls were not attending. She felt OP had ruined her daughter’s party and was creating drama.
IT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL
OP explained that she had no intention of ruining her party and had only spoken to one other mom about it.
OP’S MOM’S ADVICE
OP says that she had talked to her own mom about it, who agreed that she should not have texted Addy’s mom and that if they had wanted them, they would have been invited.
WHAT DID OP THINK?
OP added that the only mom she talked to about it was Sarah’s mom, who she assumes told others.
IS OP A JERK
OP says that she never meant to cause others to not attend or ruin a child’s party. When she reached out, she really felt like it must have been a mistake since she was the only one.
Now she is unsure if she was just a jerk who caused unnecessary drama in a small group and possibly ruined a child’s party.
OP asks if she is a jerk.
OP added that her daughter still attends book club once per month to once every other month. She didn’t leave. She’s just not a full-time member.
IT WAS REASONABLE
“Not a jerk. Not unreasonable to think in a group that small, everyone would have received an invitation. But some food for though.
Not invited? Don’t go. Not told? Don’t ask. Late invite? Decline, you were never a part of the plan.”
IT WAS NOT FAIR
“Not a jerk. Addy’s mom knows there are 11 girls in the class and decided to go for the activity limited by not including one girl.
That’s where the drama is caused. Of course, your daughter would have found out – or if not, this would have caused the other girls to isolate her in general by keeping secrets from her.
Trying to find out why she hasn’t received an invitation is normal. Sara’s mom following up on your conversation shows she is concerned that your daughter seems to be left out.
Her deciding to rally other moms or explain to other moms why her daughter will skip the party is not your decision; it’s hers.
Another person said you made a bad choice by sending a screenshot of the conversation because it was a private conversation – I don’t agree with that. You were one of the parties to that conversation.
You might have as well “retold” what Addy’s mom said to Sara’s mom; for everyone with a phone nowadays, it is clear that screenshot is a much easier way to transfer that information.”
IT IS COMPLETELY NORMAL
“Not a jerk. It’s completely normal to want your kids not to be left alone or rejected.
You didn’t purposely send the screenshot just to make drama. It was just responding to a question someone asked you, that’s it (but sending the screenshot of a private conversation to someone else is a mistake, so watch out next time).
Also, you didn’t make those four girls’ parents decide not to make their daughters attend, So you did nothing wrong.
You also taught your daughter that she will not be invited sometimes, and that’s something that happens, and it’s fine, and that is great parenting.
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