Think of the funniest, meanest thing someone has ever said to you. It’s so funny, even though it’s mean, that you can’t help but laugh every time you think about it.
A netizen recently asked, “What’s the meanest thing someone has said to you that still makes you laugh?”
When I was 17, I said something rude to my mom and she responded by telling me I’d be paying child support someday.”
The ‘Bald Ape’ Reference
“My son’s first day of school, looking for him in a big crowd of kids and parents. Above all the noise I hear, ‘THERE’S MY DAD, THE BALD GUY THAT LOOKS LIKE AN APE!’.”
The Free-form Jazz Comment
“I was playing guitar really badly and some guy said ‘Now that’s some free-form jazz’.”
The Not-So-Perfect Consolation
“After going through a pretty rough divorce, and feeling I would never meet anyone again, a colleague told me ‘You’ll rebound. You’ll find Miss Perfect out there somewhere’.
I just responded with a little joke ‘I guess that must mean you think I’m Mr. Perfect ‘.
She replied ‘I just meant that opposites attract’.
I still crack up whenever I think about that.”
The Horrors Of Being Single
“I told a friend to just get out. His fiance, who was in the other room, said to me (who was terribly single at the time)
‘Unlike you, he doesn’t have to!’
That was over 6 years ago and I’m happily married now, but I am, in fact, still reeling from this one.”
Shrimp Vs. Lobster Fight
“When I was a kid I was getting into a verbal fight with a boy who was much shorter than me. I called him a shrimp. He responded by calling me a lobster”
The Savage Grandma
“My boyfriend (my future husband of 27 yrs) and I were driving his grandma back to her retirement community. It was a 3-hour drive, so we asked her if she wanted to stop for lunch.
She said don’t stop, because ‘we could live off our fat for months.’ Then she started quietly singing Amazing Grace to herself.
It was the first time I had met her. My husband & I still laugh about it.”
“A boy I dumped after ‘dating’ for two months in high school called me a succubus.”
The Tree With Rotten Fruits
“I grew up in the Bible belt and this girl at school, a preacher’s kid, was constantly telling me how I was going to hell. (Don’t feel sorry for me; I stole her prom date junior year. A sinner’s revenge!)
Anyway, one day this girl scowled at me and said, ‘The Bible says to judge a tree by its fruit, and your fruit is ROTTEN’.”
A Little Too Straightforward
“Long ago a young woman and I were interested in each other and apparently she told a friend about me. Later on, I met her friend at a party and the first thing she said to me was ‘You’re not so special.’ I laughed and said, ‘Nice to meet you, too,’ and walked away.
Much later that evening, she came over and said, ‘Actually, you’re okay. I see why she likes you.’ I said, ‘Thanks. That means a lot to me,’ and walked away again. The young woman and I never got together because I met someone else who had nicer friends. We’ve been married 46 years.”
The Unsolicited ‘Genie’ Title
“I have a sensory processing disorder that makes it so that certain tactile sensations drive me up a wall. Among them are clothing seams, and any time my own hair moves around my ears.
Because of this, I buzz my own hair down and frequently wear synthetic material shirts inside out. I got tired of people telling me that my shirt was inside out, so I also tend to wear a loose-fitting cloth vest to cover up the seams and tags.
A few months ago, my younger brother had a birthday party, and one of his friends said, ‘You look like a genie that only grants white people’s wishes’.
I had absolutely nothing to say back to that.”
The No Shave Disaster
“I don’t know if it’s the meanest but when I grew my beard my friend’s girlfriend commented, ‘It brings character to an otherwise insignificant face…”
That’s the nicest way I’ve ever been called ugly.”
You’re Equal To Three-Quarters Of The Earth!
“In elementary I was, let’s say ‘on the heavier side.’ A kid told me I was three-quarters of the Earth. Still cracks me up. Next time I visit my torture shack I’ll have to ask if he remembers…”
The Coffin Joke
“Arriving at work at 6 am looking rough and a workmate said, ‘You look like someone who crawled out of a coffin to pee!’.”
Daughter Called Me A Hippo
“When my daughter was about 4, we had a board game where everyone was a character from ‘The Lion Guard’ (series from the lion king realm). One of the characters is a hippopotamus named Beshte.
So we’re gonna play it one day and choose our characters and she tells me ‘Mommy you can be Beshte. Because you’re fat’. To be fair, she didn’t view fat as negative, just as an adjective and she wasn’t wrong.”
You Smell Like A Hot Dog
“I thought I was a bit sweaty and stinky on a hot day and said as much to my at-the-time 4-year-old nanny kid. She replied ‘You’re not stinky! You smell the same as you always do, just like a hot dog!’.”
You’re ‘Almost’ Good Looking
” ‘You’re almost good-looking’, said this woman I was casually seeing. She didn’t say that in her first language, so I think it was meant as a compliment, but damn was that funny.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.