At times, we may encounter friends with unreasonable or hypocritical expectations. It can be tempting to use their own logic against them to make a point, but this approach is often risky and can lead to conflict and hurt feelings.
A user asked, Am I wrong for using my friend’s “logic” against her and making her cry.
Backstory
The Original Poster (36F) (OP) went into no contact with her narcissistic family last year as she was done being their scapegoat. Her friend encouraged her to “call her mother and reconcile for Mother’s Day,” and she explained (again) the emotional and mental abuse she went through and her refusal to take accountability or seek therapy.
What Did OP Say
OP says, “She then lectured me on how “it’s hard being a parent” (she’s a parent, I’m not) and that “as the eldest, you should’ve helped your mother around the house more and with your younger siblings.”
And that “I should let bygones be bygones and call my mother for Mother’s day”
What Was OP’s Response, And How Did Her Friend React To It?
OP told her, “So you think if I had done more chores and accepted more parentification as a kid, then I wouldn’t have been abused? If it’s too hard to be decent to your kids, you shouldn’t be a parent.
Maybe you should’ve helped your abusive ex-husband around the house more, maybe you shouldn’t have had dinner 10 minutes late, because you know his job is stressful and it’s hard being a provider and father.
Next month is Father’s Day; you should call and reconcile with him. How could I, as a child, stop the abusive behavior of an adult when as an adult, you couldn’t stop your husband from abusing you.”
What Did OP’s Friend Do
OP’s friend cried and walked off. Their mutual friends agree she was wrong to pressure her to reconcile with her mother, but they thought she “meant well and didn’t understand, and OP took it too far.”
In OP’s words, “I did it to make a point on how abuse isn’t okay from anyone, even your parents.” Is she a jerk? What do you think?
Abusive Parents DO EXIST
“I hate people like that. I have a strained relationship with my mother as well, and it grinds my gears when someone tells me I HAVE to make up with her because she’s my mom. Friend needs to get out of her bubble and realize some parents just aren’t good parents.”
People Have Weird Ideas
“People have this weird idea that “a parent” is not “a person” in every sense.
“A person” can be utterly awful to you, and you have no expectation to stick around, but “a parent” is *somehow* a different story and should *always* be given an extra chance. It’s weird and tone-deaf to anyone with a strained relationship with their parents. OP is not the jerk, and I hope this line stays drawn where it is.” replied another.
She Probably Didn’t Get It Before
“No, she didn’t mean well. She assumed being a parent made her a specialist and thought she knew better than you about your experience. You were not cruel, you help a mirror of how invalidating she was being in a way she understands. Now she gets it. And she doesn’t here because of her experiences.”
“She didn’t get it before. No matter how kindly you put it. I’m betting she has a full picture of what that ‘ask’ really means to you.”
She Should’ve Apologized
“Once your friend’s emotions started to fill with sadness, she should have realized that’s the exact feeling she gave you each time she made those comments. That’s where she should have apologized,” said one.
“Exactly. Too caught up in her own feelings for any self-reflection. Am not a fan.” replied another.
You Did A Great Job, Though
“Brilliant! Sometimes that’s what it takes.
She is crying because having this growth experience is uncomfortable. You did nothing wrong. You gave her the chance to back off from her foolishness, but she pushed you. And now she understands how it feels.
If you lose her friendship, then it’s because she is unwilling to understand what she was doing to you by guilting you about Mother’s Day.”
Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes
“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You both suffered from abuse, which is something neither of you deserved, but she dismissed your abuse and made excuses for your abuser and she was serious. You were not serious when telling her to forgive her ex, merely making a point and she couldn’t handle it. Hopefully you finally got the point across and there won’t be another again of you explaining this to her.”
This Is All SO TOXIC
She shouldn’t have tried to pressure you into reconciling with your abusive parent, especially as someone who went through abuse. She didn’t mean well at all, she wanted to feel superior over you.
The fact that she was the victim blaming you is so toxic.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.