Daughter’s wedding is a special event but can you be selfish and refuse to help her pay for her wedding because of your own selfish reasons?
An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for refusing to pay for my daughter’s wedding because she won’t let me walk her down the aisle?”. Here’s the full story for you to conclude.
Original Poster, OP is a 48-year-old man and his 19-year-old daughter has always been an independent thinker. He raised her to be independent and think for herself, which he’s always appreciated. However, they recently hit a bit of a snag.
OP’s Daughter’s Decision
OP’s daughter got engaged and decided that she doesn’t want him to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. She argues that her mother and OP doesn’t “own” her, therefore they have no right to “give her away”.
OP Is Hurt
OP feels hurt by this because they never treated her like an object or piece of property, rather they’ve tried their best to provide her with a wonderful life.
How Does OP Feel About His Daughter’s Stance?
His daughter’s stance seems extreme to OP and despite discussions, she’s refusing to budge on the issue. OP respects her choices, but he feels she’s disregarding their feelings completely.
As a response, OP told her that if she feels that way, then he won’t be paying for her wedding.
What Does OP Say?
OP says, “I don’t want to come across as controlling or manipulative. It’s true, I don’t ‘own’ her, and I also don’t owe her a fully-funded wedding. She can pay for her own wedding if she’s insistent on this stance. I’m feeling quite conflicted about this. Am I a jerk?”
Should We Stop Doing The Wedding Traditions?
OP later edited the post and added his point of view:
“So, this isn’t about making the wedding about me. Walking her down the aisle (while all eyes are on her anyway) and then sitting down is hardly making the wedding about me.
It’s about her attitude. She’s had every opportunity in life so far, and to exclude us from this day is a spit in the face. It’s a rejection of everything we’ve done for her, sacrificed for her, given her. It’s selfish.
90% of wedding traditions and symbolism had roots in things we don’t acknowledge today. Should we stop all of them?
The rings, the flowers, the dress, the wedding party, the cake, the flower girls… a father walking his daughter down the aisle has been about respect, pride, love and honoring the father/daughter relationship for far longer than it was about ownership.
What Does OP Think About Her Daughter’ Thinking?
Independent thinking does not mean rude or selfish thinking. Being an independent thinker does not give someone the license to disregard or disrespect the thoughts, feelings, or perspectives of others.
Independent thinking is about maintaining the ability to think critically and form one’s own opinions while remaining respectful and considerate of others. It is a balance between asserting individuality and engaging in meaningful and respectful interactions with others.”
Let’s read what the forum users have to say for this.
You Did What She Wanted
“Not the jerk. You heard her. She is independent. Independent people deal with their own bills.”, said one.
“Exactly. You don’t “own her” – why are you paying for a wedding to give away a possession you don’t own? Not the jerk and less financial stress for you!”, another added.
Be Prepared For Her Next Move
“Not the jerk exactly because it’s your money, your call. But die on this hill, daughter funds her own wedding, be prepared to not even get an invite, much less walk her down the aisle. It’ll be her money, her call.”
You’re Being A Hypocrite
“OP: I raised my daughter to be independent and think for herself.
Also OP: I am not going to pay for the wedding unless she gives in to my demands.
So, which is it? Do you want your daughter to be independent or does she need to bend the knee?
You straight are acting out on emotions and a bruised ego. Keep it up and your daughter will probably just rescind your invite and go NC because she will never forget your hypocrisy and childish behavior.”
You Don’t Put Conditions On Gifts
“You’re the jerk. I don’t understand people saying that if you’re contributing money to the wedding you get to control it.
I have always seen paying for a wedding as a gift to the couple. You don’t put conditions on gifts. Your ego is getting the best of you.”
Both Points Of View Are Understandable
“No jerks here. I get both points of view. I don’t want my dad to ‘give me away’ when I get married but I also am expecting financial support from my parents. It’s becoming more normalized that women walk themselves down the aisle.
But maybe a compromise can be made and both you and her mom can walk her so it’s more a show of support for the marriage than a hand off. Just an idea but I don’t believe you’re obligated to pay for the wedding at all.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.