Traveling with a female friend is a great way to bond and have new experiences. However, if you are in a relationship, it is important to communicate your intentions with your girlfriend and be respectful of her feelings.
A user asked the forum, Am I a jerk for going on a vacation with a female friend and paying for her when I have a GF?
BACK STORY
The original poster has been with his girlfriend for over four years. He has never been unfaithful to her or anyone else in any prior relationship.
He says they moved in together a little over a year ago and will get engaged if everything goes well.
HE LANDED A NEW JOB
OP says he was lucky enough to land a good-paying IT job out of college, so he makes most of the money for the household.
His girlfriend has a cake business that doesn’t bring money in reliably because it’s more of an informal service than a traditional store
SHE IS JUST A FRIEND
He had known his friend since their mid-teens. He says he has never been involved with her, and neither has anyone else because she’s Catholic and waiting until marriage.
PLANNING TO GO ON VACATION
He has been planning to go on a vacation with her this summer, where he will be paying for her food and hotel stays. He says he took this decision because, unlike him, she hasn’t had much luck in the job market after leaving college.
HIS FRIEND WILL BE IN FINANCIAL TROUBLES
He also added that if she had to pay for this stuff, she could build up credit card debt that she wouldn’t be able to pay off because her month-to-month budget is so tight reliably.
OP addressed that that wasn’t life or death because her parents could ultimately step in if she’s in big trouble, but she’s trying to be independent, so it’s not zero stakes.
He says that she didn’t ask him to pay, but he was doing it because he knew about her situation.
HIS GIRLFRIEND SAYS IT IS UNFAIR
His girlfriend says the plan is unfair to her. Partly because they will spend so much time alone together, worrying about what could happen between them would wording his girlfriend’s anxiety and depression.
HER GIRLFRIEND SAID SHE WOULD BE BUSY
When he was planning the trip, he asked his girlfriend if she’d like to come before he even asked his friend, but OP’s girlfriend didn’t want to because the accommodations and places they would visit were unappealing to her, plus she thought she’d be busy during that time.
DON’T PAY FOR HER
His girlfriend also says that if he insists on doing it, he should at least not pay because his money should go toward the household and their future. OP says he was paying and putting his friend’s needs over hers, making her worry about what could happen on the trip even worse.
OP doesn’t think that he was putting his friend over them because this is a one-time thing, whereas he has been putting almost all of his income into their expenses, and he added that they aren’t in serious need of anything right then.
IT IS NOT A BIG DEAL
He also feels that it doesn’t seem like the few hundred bucks he intends to blow covering for his friend would seriously affect their finances. Still, his girlfriend says since she has cake clients over to the apartment, the decor and her appearance need to look as good as possible so they will trust her, so those few hundred could lead to us losing more money.
OP admits that he has been a recurring issue because he grew up poor, and most of his friends still are, so he will occasionally buy them a meal, a drink, or movie tickets.
SHE IS ANNOYED
And he doesn’t think these add up to much, and he doesn’t give his friend loans or do this habitually, but every time it happens, she’s very annoyed.
So he asks if he is a jerk for still wanting to go through with this trip as planned.
WILL YOU ACCEPT?
“If your girlfriend invited you on a trip and you declined, she then invited a single male friend and offered to pay for everything. would you be okay with that?”
IT IS WEIRD
“You planned a trip and asked your gf. The timing wasn’t good for her/the trip was unappealing. And instead of working with your gf to find a time and locale that appealed to her, you just … asked another friend? Regardless of gender, that’s odd to me unless there’s a driving reason (an event or concert, perhaps, that only happens then and there).
In the absence of that, I think you are a jerk And … weird.”
IT IS NOT A GOOD BEHAVIOUR
“Your GF gets mad anytime you spend money on anyone that isn’t her, which is not excellent behavior. You invited her on this trip, and she wasn’t interested, so you invited someone else. You’re helping with your friend’s expenses because their financial situation is a lot more strained than yours – you’re a kind and generous friend.
I don’t think you’re an AH just because your friend, whom you’ve known since you were both children, is a girl.
Lots of people will be happy to tell you it’s inappropriate because they can’t conceive of a relationship where what’s in your friend’s pants is actually not a factor for you. That’s a them-problem.”
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The article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.