A user asked, Will I be a jerk for not attending my twin brother’s surprise birthday dinner when I was only invited as a guest
Backstory
The Original Poster (OP) is a twin; his brother and OP hang out all the time and are super close. In a few days, it’s their (25m) birthday.
They share the same friend group; they are all close and have been since school. He has a close group of girlfriends (about 5) whom OP has also known for many years.
OP would classify them as being closer to him in recent years, but they are all still good friends and socialize often together.
What Happened Next?
OP has been added to a group chat labeled “OP’s brother’s name surprise dinner!”
It is a surprise birthday dinner for OP’s twin brother organized by one of the girls in that group, and they have invited OP as a guest.
What Did They Say
One of them also said in the group that it would “be nice to see OP as well,” so OP feels like an afterthought.
OP says, “I wouldn’t have minded if the girls wanted to organize a surprise birthday evening exclusively for my brother and themselves, but they have also invited my partner and some of my brother, and I’s closest friends.”
What Does OP Think?
OP says, “This feels inconsiderate and quite upsetting as I can’t understand why I would be invited to my literal twin brothers’ surprise birthday dinner with me only invited as a guest as it is also my birthday involving all of our friends.”
What Does OP’s Girlfriend Think?
OP’s girlfriend also found this action to be extremely rude and wondered why this girl didn’t just reach out to her and then they could have organized a surprise involving both of them instead or have just involved both OP’s brother and OP and left the surprise element out of it.
What Did The Chat Say
In the chat, it is clearly stated that they are all to arrive at one time, while OP’s brother is due to arrive 20 minutes later. The thought of attending makes OP feel weird because it’s just a celebration for “his” birthday when he and OP are literally born on the same day
What Happened Last Year
This isn’t new information to the organizer.
Also, every year OP’s brother and OP do something together because they want to and because they have the same friends. Last year, their friends and OP’s girlfriend set up a massive dinner for their birthday to which everyone was invited, including the girl group.
What OP Needs Help With
OP says, “So now I’m at a crossroads. I don’t know whether or not to attend.
On the one hand, if I don’t go, I will feel left out because our mutual friends are going. But on the other hand, if I do go, I will feel like I am letting myself be disrespected, and I will likely feel uncomfortable as it feels like only my brother is being celebrated.”
He wants to whether he would be a jerk not to go.
The Dinner Is For 10 People
OP’s girlfriend has just checked the chat, and the organizer has booked the dinner for ten people and a set menu. There are currently 11 attending, excluding OP’s girlfriend and OP.
OP says, “If we went, this would make its way over capacity. Now we aren’t sure if we should go because what if we turn up and there is no room? This makes it slightly more awkward as we may not be able just to pull up a chair and join. The dinner is tomorrow also.”
What Do Redditors Have To Say?
“Not wrong.
I would not go. Do something with your brother earlier that day, then treat yourself to something special with your girl later. And you might want to get a new group of friends….are you sure they even like you?”
Tell Them It Is Your Birthday and You Cannot Come
“I would tell them in chat, “Guys, sorry, I can’t go. It’s my birthday that day, and I will make plans with my twin brother,”. Reminding them it’s your birthday and forcing them to figure out the surprise party situation, lol.”
Break The Surprise
“Not a jerk: Break the surprise and talk to your brother. Something about this is…off. I could postulate, but something is happening here that isn’t just someone wanting to throw a birthday dinner. If you usually celebrate with your twin and close friends, it sounds like this person is trying to be mean to you/disrupt that on purpose.”
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