An internet user asked, Am I a jerk for demanding access to my fiance’s bank accounts? Here’s the full story for you to introspect and decide. 


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OP and his fiance are in their late 20s, have been together for 6 years (with a three-month period they were broken up, but they don’t really count that), set to marry in 2 years. 

OP makes pretty good money for his age. In fact, he makes more money than any of his friends or family, and he would bet he’s in the “1%” of his community.

What Does OP Say

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OP says, “I try to sound humble but this is important to my argument. I should also add when we started dating, I was delivering pizzas for minimum wage and going to college full time for my degree, so the “gold digger” argument just isn’t there.” 

5 Months Ago

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OP’s fiance, 5 months ago, lost her job as a waitress. She was fired for no-call, no-showing 3 days in a row to attend her uncle’s funeral.  Since then, she hasn’t worked.

What Does OP Say

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OP says, “I really didn’t mind at all. I make enough for us both to have some major cushion. I am against joint bank accounts entirely, so instead I just would Venmo her some cash weekly. It was $400 for a while and everyone was okay.”

The Problem Begins

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OP’s fiance has been complaining more and more about how she’s “broke”, doesn’t have enough to survive etc. He knows this isn’t true because he shops weekly and fills their kitchen with food, their bathroom with toiletries, pays every bill etc. She has been hinting at wanting more money from him.

OP says, “I shudder to say “allowance”, but that’s what it seems to be.”

OP’s Solution

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OP told her he would give her more on one condition: she gives him her bank account details so he could see exactly what she was spending it on.

OP could see the clothes, fast food and other trinkets she brought home, but he hadn’t a clue how she was blowing through all that cash, sometimes in one day when she only goes shopping once a week with him.

The Clashes Followed

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OP’s fiance blew up. Telling him he wasn’t trusting her and how he was the one against joint bank accounts so he should understand her privacy. 

“Yeah, HUGE red flags all over the place.” Says OP.

OP Talked To His Sister

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Next, OP talked to his sister and therapist about this and they both took her side, saying he was not respecting her privacy when he’s the one that demands it also. “Am I a jerk?” Asks OP.

You Both Are Acting Weird

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“Everyone is wrong here. It sounds like you and your gf have some vastly different expectations in the relationship.  Instead of talking these over, you have allowed money to become a proxy.”

See A Financial Counselor, Maybe?

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“You ain’t the jerk, you guys should see a financial counselor before you get married. Red flag, and she should be working. I mean 400 dollars a week is a lot for someone who isn’t paying rent. 

You should slowly cut her off maybe by 100 a week. Right now she has no incentive to work and she is using manipulation tactics against you and that isn’t ok. 

If she was working and it was her money I would say you’re the jerk. But well you’re the jerk also for enabling her.”

How Does She Blow Through $400 PER WEEK?

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“Not the jerk. How does she blow through 400§ PER WEEK? Without any bills to pay? If I were in your shoes, I’d be wondering as well.

Either reconsider this relationship very hard or switch her “allowance” from Venmo to a credit card with a limit of whatever – 1600, 2000 $ per month. She has more money, you have an idea what she’s spending it on.”

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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.

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