It’s basic decency to be more compassionate towards someone who has just suffered from a miscarriage. But it looks like not everyone understands this.

A netizen recently asked, “Am I a jerk for ruining a friend’s surprise twin pregnancy reveal by giving a heads-up to my husband?”. What’s your take on the matter?


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The Original Poster (OP)(30F) is married to a (37M) wonderful husband. They have been married for six and a half years, and they don’t have any kids. 

“Currently, we are in a friend group with three other couples. I am not going to name them, so let’s say couple A, B, and C. Couple A have two sons; couple B and C are currently pregnant”, says OP. 


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The wife of couple A always thinks that when OP and her husband visit them, they (OP and her husband) should take care of their children as they need time to relax. 

“She always hands her 2nd kid to me and 1st kid to my husband”, says OP. 


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Couple B regularly asked if OP and her husband were doing okay after hearing about their pregnancy. They relaxed OP and her husband and never brought up pregnancy topics since OP had faced many miscarriages.

“When they asked me to be the keeper for their baby’s gender and help them with the gender reveal party, I was happy to help them,” says OP. 


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When couple C fell pregnant, they showed that they were pregnant from day 1. They shared their pregnancy news when they were six weeks pregnant. Now, they are 14 weeks pregnant. They want to do their gender reveal at the end of October and want OP to do their gender reveal. 


couple fight ignore
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When couple C shared they were having twins yesterday and wanted OP to keep it a secret till the gender reveal, it hit OP hard and made her emotional. OP told her husband on the way home that they were having twins, and OP didn’t want him to get startled on gender reveal day. 


couple sad upset fight
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“Let me explain why he might get startled at the party. We suffered many miscarriages throughout our 6.5 years of marriage. The first was in 2017 at 19 weeks, the second in 2020 with twins at eight weeks and 14 weeks, and the third in March of this year at nine weeks. The last miscarriage happened the day before couple A’s second son was born.

We were quite devastated about losing our baby in March. We told all our friends through text that we were miscarrying and needed some time to heal. Around that time, couple B also fell pregnant, and they were considerate about our feelings, so they didn’t reveal their pregnancy and told us at the end of July. It was hard for us, but we were happy for them”, says OP. 


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Couples A and C have never considered OP and her husband’s feelings. They only think about theirs. OP and her family went to visit couple A’s baby when it was 11 days old, and she handed OP her baby and disappeared for one and a half hours. It was hard, but OP held him and cared for him. 

“After coming home, I cried, holding my husband. She never asks us how we are feeling or if we are okay. When she tells us to look after them, we do that and never say anything to them. It is hard for us to take care of them because we haven’t healed through our losses. We don’t say a thing and look after their kids”, says OP. 


Unhappy couple not talking after an argument in bed at home.
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Couple C has the worst pregnancy symptoms and always says, “I am having a hard time with this. I don’t want you to have these symptoms when you get pregnant”. She knows all of OP’s history. 


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Today, OP told couple C that she had told her husband they were having twins and that OP needed to consider his feelings.

“They accused me of ruining their surprise and that I didn’t consider their feelings. Am I the jerk for telling my husband?” asks OP. 


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“Not the jerk. Telling just your spouse is not ‘ruining’ the surprise for anyone but your spouse, and they should know why this wouldn’t necessarily be a happy surprise for him. 

I honestly think it’s a little insensitive for either B or C to ask you to be involved in their gender reveals, given your experiences, and a little flexibility on their part to ensure you and your husband are in the right headspace and that this is not too much to ask.” 


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“Given the history, if they can’t understand how hard it is for you and your husband to keep putting on a happy face and taking responsibility for their parties and that you might lean on each other for support, then they shouldn’t have asked you for your help or told you anything. It isn’t kind to rub this in your face. You were fine to tell your husband. I wouldn’t have told them that, though.”


Young brunette woman wearing turtleneck sweater clueless and confused with open arms, no idea and doubtful face.
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“Not the jerk. You were caring for your partner by telling him. I would not continue a close friendship with couples A and C, though. They aren’t very good friends to you.” 

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