What would you do if you learned your in-laws had been making the weirdest assumptions behind your back?
An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for not wanting my husband’s mom at our wedding?”
Here’s the whole story for your context:
BACKSTORY
The Original Poster (OP) and her husband married in a courthouse two years ago. OP told her husband to inform his family, but he didn’t want to as his family wasn’t OP’s biggest fan.
“His family can be extremely judgemental and have said they ‘didn’t like me or my character’ because I grew up in a place opposite of where they’re from,” says OP.
THE DRAMATIC IN-LAWS
Every time OP met with his family, some drama would unfold. For example, his mom accused OP of “touching” his brother’s leg inappropriately at her husband’s grandfather’s funeral.
“I slapped his knee because he told me a joke I thought was funny. I chalked it up to the fact that my Mother-In-Law (MIL) had just lost her dad; she didn’t like me, so she needed someone to take some anger out on. I put up with a lot more than that for my husband since I never wanted to be the type of person to ask him to choose”, says OP
FIVE MONTHS AGO
Five months ago, OP had their second child. When OP found out she was pregnant, she and her husband were going through a rough patch. They almost divorced because of many things, his mother being one of them. They decided to work on their marriage, and they’ve been amazing ever since. The best they’ve ever been. During OP’s pregnancy, OP and her husband’s mother got close.
“I’d like to say I’m forgiving and try to see the best in everyone. Also, it was making my husband happy. She even came down to stay with us when I had the baby”, says OP.
A MONTH LATER
A month later, OP’s MIL called OP’s husband and said she and his dad would love to come and visit since his dad had yet to meet the baby. OP thought the visit went well, but while OP’s husband had gone outside to get their toddler’s car seat from their rental car, OP’s Father-In-Law (FIL) told OP’s husband he needed to swab his mouth for a Deoxyribonucleic Acid (DNA) test to make sure the baby was his.
THE RIDICULOUS EXCUSES
Her (OP’s) husband got angry and asked OP’s FIL if that was why they came to visit. OP’s MIL ran outside because she heard them fighting and told OP’s husband it was nothing like that. She conveyed that everyone in the family was swabbing their mouths because they were doing a 23andMe.
“She said that my Sister-In-Law (SIL) and Brother-In-Law (BIL) had done it, so they wanted him to do it too. He declined to do one, and we left it at that”, says OP.
THE DEMAND FOR DNA TEST
A month after the visit, OP’s MIL called OP’s husband and said she needed to speak with him privately. He went outside for an hour to talk with his mother and returned inside, visibly upset. He pulled OP to their room privately and informed her that her MIL and FIL had swabbed both their newborn’s mouth and their toddler’s mouth when they had visited.
“They said that my toddler came back 99.99% related to them, but my newborn only came back 11% related to them. So they felt the need to tell my husband so he could get my newborn DNA tested.”
OP’S EMOTIONAL TRAUMA
OP was confused and angry. OP had also just found out her brother had a brain tumor, so there had already been a lot going on for her emotionally. When OP and her husband separated, she had not slept with anyone else since their relationship was so rocky.
“I didn’t want to do anything more to jeopardize losing him, so I didn’t understand why she felt the need to take a DNA test into her own hands, especially since it wasn’t a concern of my husband’s,” says OP.
THE DAMAGE WAS DONE
Since OP’s husband was told of the DNA test, he and his mother would not stop fighting for several reasons. OP no longer trusted her MIL with her children; she no longer wanted her around, and MIL couldn’t understand that.
“We decided to get a DNA test on our newborn to shove the results in her face and move on with our lives. Of course, the test came back 99.99%, matching my husband. She thought we could pretend it didn’t happen, but the damage was done”, says OP.
FAST FORWARD TO TODAY
They set boundaries with MIL and FIL. They can no longer video chat with the children every day like before, their daughter is not allowed to go over MILs alone, and they no longer update them about things going on in their lives.
“We’ve kept them at a distance, and it’s working for us. Recently, my husband and I started marriage classes to redo our wedding with our families. My family knows the whole situation with MIL, and I’m also not her biggest fan, so I told my husband I did not feel comfortable inviting them to our wedding. My husband was upset but understood. We have sent out our save the dates to everyone in his family but MIL and FIL. There has been nothing but drama since”, says OP.
WHAT SHOULD OP DO NOW?
OP is putting her foot down on the situation and is still firm on the decision that she does not want them to come, but OP’s husband is stressed because they involve everyone in his family in their drama.
“Should I just give in for his sake and invite them? Should I stand my ground and still say no? Am I a jerk if I don’t invite them?” asks OP.
YOU HAVE A VALID REASON
“Not the jerk. You have a reason not to invite your husband’s parents. They don’t like you or trust you. They snuck up on your kid’s DNA, tested them, and talked about a false result. They are not your well-wishers.”
WHAT THEY DID IS UNFORGIVABLE
“Not the jerk. What your husband’s parents did is unforgivable, and I wouldn’t allow my children any contact with them; they would be blocked and would not be invited to the wedding, and if your husband wants his relationship with them, cool. But zero for you and the kids.”
THEY’VE BEEN RIDICULOUS IN EVERY WAY
“Not the jerk. They have insulted and hurt you in every possible way they could. You are not a pinata, and they shouldn’t be given another opportunity to take a swing.
Your husband must decide if he can protect and prioritize you. If he can’t, it’s time to move on.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.