Both new moms and their newborns need time and space to recover, heal, and adapt to the new beginnings. There’s nothing worse than depriving them of the same!
An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for telling my husband I can’t stay with him when our newborn is still small?”. Please look into this matter!
BACKSTORY
The Original Poster (OP) has three stepkids (12M, 11F, 8M) who are great kids.
“I’ve been involved with them for six years now, and while there have been ups and downs, I get along with all of them well,” says OP.
GENERALLY SPEAKING
Generally speaking, OP gets along really well with the kids’ mother as well, but this issue is dividing everyone. OP gave birth to a baby girl three weeks ago.
“In the beginning, I fully expected the overbearing behavior, but after multiple talks and explanations, I’m at my wit’s end,” says OP.
THE ISSUE
So, whenever OP is breastfeeding the baby, OP’s stepkids are either trying to hug the baby or kiss her or lean right down at OP’s bust level and talk to her.
“Almost every single feeding. They refuse to leave the baby alone when I’m nursing, despite me voicing several times how uncomfortable it makes me feel that I have four kids hanging off of me while I’m trying to breastfeed.
Not to mention when they lean down to kiss the baby during this time, which is just stupid inappropriate,” says OP.
MORE INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR
When the baby is taking a nap, the stepkids would go in and touch her and play with her feet or rub her head and immediately wake her up, so then she’s cranky as hell from a complete lack of sleep.
No matter how often OP explains to the kids and OP’s husband that they need to stop and why, they continue to do it. They are always so loud about it, too. Whenever they talk to her, it’s them screaming. If she starts to fuss, they are immediately right down in her face, saying, “Hey! You stop that right now!”
SICKENING ENVIRONMENT
“I’m getting nauseous. I barely eat because this entire environment is making me sick to my stomach. I’m overwhelmingly uncomfortable around my husband and stepkids now because they don’t listen or even care to listen,” says OP.
THIS MORNING
So, this morning was strike one because OP had just gotten the baby down, and the youngest stepkid woke her up by screaming. Then, after she starts crying, all three kids come running in and are in her face and won’t move for OP to pick her up and calm her.
“So I went to nurse her 10 minutes later, and the stepkid came in and rested her head on my arm, right beside my exposed bust, touching the baby. I just got up and packed,” says OP.
WHAT DID OP DO NEXT?
She (OP) told her husband I won’t stay with him and his kids as long as the baby is still tiny because I can’t handle them and their lack of boundaries.
“‘Both he and the kids’ mother are saying I’m a jerk because the kids are just excited, and I’m taking this experience away from them by being ‘greedy and weird,'” says OP.
IS OP THE JERK?
“I’m just tired and disgusted by the lack of consideration and people constantly right at my chest as if it isn’t inappropriate. I’m staying at a hotel until further notice. Am I a jerk?” asks OP.
SET SOME SERIOUS BOUNDARIES
“Not the jerk. You’re still recovering from giving birth, and this is too much. Your husband needs to step up and set some serious boundaries. Your nursing is not the time for them to bond or when the baby sleeps.”
THIS IS NOT OKAY
“Not the jerk, those are school-aged kids they know better, not only that they already experienced baby siblings! The kissing is a big no. They will get that baby sick if they don’t quit this. This is not okay, and no, you don’t hate your stepkids, so anyone here saying that must not have kids!
Tell your husband to explain to those kids what RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) is and what it can do to that baby. It is deadly, and most babies catch it from older siblings who don’t care for boundaries, and those kids are old enough to respect boundaries. Do not come back to that house. Your health and the baby’s health is more important.”
REST IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR BOTH OF YOU
“Not the jerk. Both you and the baby need rest. Full stop. If even your husband refuses to acknowledge boundaries around you while you’re breastfeeding, as well as enforcing quiet while the newborn is napping, then he needs to suffer the consequences of his action.
Tell him you’ll return home once he’s established that a newborn must be allowed to sleep and your chest isn’t community property.”
HUSBAND NEEDS TO STEP UP
“It’s a good time for him to teach his kids about how to handle their excitement and about empathy. You just gave birth and need some space and time to heal and deal with the massive emotions. He needs to step up and tell them they’ll get lots of baby time, but when you feed her, they will leave you alone. Not the jerk.”
THIS IS A HILL WORTH DYING ON
“Not the jerk. It’s elementary. You are recovering from a massive medical procedure, and the baby is also recovering and trying to get into a rhythm. Your husband is a major problem here, and the fact he is not backing you up is beyond concerning.
It’s not your job to teach him how to patent, and it is his job to teach his kids that boundaries are to be respected no matter how excited they are about whatever. That’s the point of boundaries. They will not always be pleasant or easy to accommodate, but that’s the point.
Going to a hotel and removing yourself from the situation was the right move because it illustrates the enticement of your boundaries, and if they don’t like it, they should have listened to the first 100 tones.
As for the biological mom, she gets no say in anything involving your child. She had her kids. This problem needs to be addressed with your husband since he is the other adult in this situation. This is a hill worth dying on.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs. Daaku Studio.