Get togethers are always nice. But we often find ourselves in a situation that raises an important question about boundaries and personal space.
A netizen recently asked, “Am I a jerk for not wanting people at our pool?”. We need to hear your thoughts.
Backstory:
The Original Poster, OP and her fiancé own a house with a pool in the backyard.
His brother, Jay, had asked the day before if he and his family (wife + 3 kids) could come over on Sunday to swim after one of the kids’ sports games, which was at a park close to OP’s place.
The Problem
Now, OP and her fiancé own a business together that requires WFH (work from home) on Sundays. Everyone they know is aware of this, including OP’s fiancé’s brother.
OP Voiced Her Opinion
OP voiced her opinion that she felt it was weird for people to be at their house while they were working in the basement, but her fiancé assured her that it would just be chill.
He said it’s normal for families to use people’s pools even if they weren’t home.
The Surprise Guests
So, OP and her fiancé let them come thinking that they would swim for maybe an hour and then leave. But it wasn’t just them.
A Lot More People Came Over
OP’s fiancé’s parents also came (they figured they would), but the kicker is that Jay also invited 2 of his friends plus their partners and their kids as well. They do know these people but both fiancé and OP were not aware of this beforehand.
OP Was Annoyed
So now it’s a full-on party in their backyard while they are working in the basement. OP became very annoyed that they did not only invite themselves but some of their friends as well.
It made OP feel guilty that she couldn’t be in her own backyard to host people because she was working. It also felt like they were just using the house and didn’t really care about seeing them, the homeowners.
Not to mention, the house was a complete mess. OP and her fiancé had a busy Friday and Saturday and she didn’t bother cleaning much before because she figured it would just be Jay’s family.
What Happened Next?
Everyone was here from 1:00 PM till 7:00 PM. OP and her fiancé finished work around 3:00 PM, when her fiancé put on his swim trunks to join them outside.
OP Got Bitter
OP got in a pretty bitter mood from it all and stayed inside. She didn’t say hello to anyone because she figured they weren’t even there to see her, just her pool.
OP did some laundry and some cleaning up and she did end up seeing a few people who were coming inside to use the washrooms. OP said hi and tried to make some small talk but she really wasn’t happy.
The Final Fuss
OP’s fiancé came in and said that she was creating an awkward/unwelcoming atmosphere by not being outside. She told him she never planned to have a party today so she was just carrying on doing what she originally had planned which was laundry and cleaning.
“Fiancé keeps saying that I was rude for not joining them outside after work. He also says things like ‘the pool is meant to be used’ and that ‘it’s family time’. Am I a jerk?”, asks OP.
You Guys Need To Talk
“Not the jerk, but you and your fiancé need to have a serious conversation about this – it is guaranteed not to be a one-time thing and you clearly have very different expectations about your home life.
I hope you’re prepared for unexpected and unwanted guests for the rest of your life. Your fiancé clearly thinks your home is a community center, and you clearly think it is a private place. Neither approach is ‘wrong’ but they are entirely incompatible.”
Set Some Clear Boundaries
“They invited themselves over to YOUR property, with no consideration of giving advance notice of the extra people. They’re treating your space like theirs and that’s not right.
Set some clear boundaries and tell them when they can or cannot come to the pool, and establish the rule that they need to ask for permission/give heads up before they invite anyone else.
The only rude people are Jay and his wife. And your fiance’s not very helpful either.”
Can You See A Glimpse Of Your Future?
“I mean who invites people to someone else’s house without asking? And since your partner accepted it just like that, you can see a glimpse of your future.
So there may be people who are fine with this kind of thing, but you are obviously not it, so if you are not prepared mentally for this kind of crap all the time, please try some stern talking/counseling about boundaries, and if your future husband still does not understand that it is also your private space, then I would re-evaluate the wedding maybe?”
Everyone’s In The Wrong
“Everyone’s wrong here. You need to communicate and express your boundaries if you want to establish them, and passive-aggressiveness isn’t going to do you any favors on that front.
Your fiance is also awful for not pushing back when the unrelated folks rolled up. And his brother is also awful for inviting friends.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.