On a scale of one to ten, how partial is it for parents to give their son his share of education fund money but not their daughter hers? A recent incident online suggests that it’s a ten.
A netizen recently asked, Am I a jerk for not giving my daughter her education fund money? We want you to decide.
Backstory
The Original Poster (OP) (54M) has two children (23F and 21M) with his wife (52F). When the kids were young, OP’s parents set up education funds for both of them, which was very generous of them.
What About OP and His Wife
OP and his wife always expected their kids to attend college and then graduate school, as they have done. OP has a PhD, his wife has a master’s.
Because of this, they decided not to use the funds for their kids’ undergrad degrees and did not tell them about the money.
OP’s Daughter’s Educational Background
OP’s daughter has always been more into the liberal arts, while his son is more of a STEM guy. OP and his wife are worried about her ability to find a job, but she insists on studying music and film in college.
OP says “She was accepted to some top schools and chose to attend a rather expensive one, but she had scholarships to cover almost all of her tuition. Everything else, plus living expenses, was her responsibility.
What Did She Do
She lived in a very small apartment shared with friends in a not-so-nice area far from campus, but she was fine and learned how to budget effectively.
After graduating, she luckily found a job that doesn’t pay extremely well but she enjoys, and scrapped the idea of grad school.”
OP’s Son’s Educational Background
OP’s son decided to do engineering, and he also expressed that he had no interest in grad school. OP and his wife were disappointed but accepted it since at this point he is already all set up with a very good job when he completes school.
What Did They Do
Since OP’s son did not receive as many scholarships as his sister, they decided to use his education fund to cover his tuition and living expenses.
He was able to get a large and nice apartment of his own close to the school, which is important since his classes are so demanding and he needs a comfortable space to work.
The Climax
OP’s daughter was confused and asked how he could afford this, and his son told her about the education fund. She called her parents and asked why she didn’t have one, and they told her she did, they just didn’t use it because they hoped she would attend grad school.
OP says, “She seemed hurt by this and asked if there was any way she could have the money now. We explained that there would be a fee to simply withdraw the money for non-education uses, and if we chose to do that it would belong to her grandparents so they could put it towards their own use.”
What Does OP Think?
She’s been quiet and short when answering their texts and hasn’t answered their calls at all since then.
OP knows that it seems unfair to her, but it’s not really her money in the first place and she’s no longer in college. Plus, OP thinks her brother only received it for educational purposes and it wouldn’t be right for her to just have it to spend now.
“Am I a jerk?”, asks OP.
Textbook Wisdom Vs. Intelligence
“You’re the jerk. Oh dear, just goes to show you that having a PhD and a Masters does neither make you a good parent nor smart in any way.” Said one.
“Textbook Wisdom versus Intelligence. Some college-educated folks have the slimmest grasp of etiquette, life skills, or the ability to not set themselves on fire.” Another added.
Obvious Jerks!
“You paid for your son to have a large apartment to himself, close to his school, but forced your daughter to pay for her own bad apartment across town? Obvious jerks!” Said one.
“No “they” didn’t pay for anything. The money isn’t even theirs, the money is their kids’ money. It’s literally theft IMO.” Another added.
The Problem, For You, Was Something Else!
“You’re the jerk. I assumed this would be the classic “my kid didn’t go to college and wants their college fund” – but it isn’t even.
Neither child went to grad school, but you decided to give money to one but not the other, so it’s not even about grad school as you pretended. You basically decided your daughter’s goals didn’t meet your approval so you didn’t give her the money that had been set aside for her.”
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