Successful relationships require both partners to be flexible and understanding of each other’s circumstances. Without empathy, conflict and resentment are more likely to arise.
A user asked the forum, “Am I a jerk for not wanting my wife to go on vacation?”. Read the complete story to know who is wrong here.
BACKSTORY
The Original Poster (OP) says that an opportunity has arisen for his wife to go to the beach for a week in October with her friend.
She asked if he was okay with her going out to which he originally responded (honestly) that he was not okay with it. He says that they have a 3-year-old and a 4-month-old.
Daycare opens at 6:30 am, which is also when he needs to be at work. So his wife usually drops them off, and he will pick them up after work since he gets off earlier than she does.
WHAT DOES HIS WIFE DO?
His wife works one full-time job that has allowed her to work two days from home each week because of their infant and then has weekends off.
WHAT DOES HE DO?
He says he works a full-time job during the week and a part-time job on the weekend. So he has no days off.
WHAT DID OP SAY?
His wife gets up in the mornings, gets the kids ready, and usually gets up with the baby at night as well, as she gets more days off/at home.
He says that if she takes a vacation, this would, of course, all fall on him.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
He could probably be late to work all week without issue if he stayed later to make up for it. He told her that he was uncomfortable with her leaving for so long.
WHAT WAS OP’S PERSPECTIVE?
He says that he understands needing a break from the kids, but there’s a difference between him watching them for a day so she can relax and her straight-up taking a whole spring break.
Not to mention, she also has a 3-day work trip at the end of this month that will put them in the same scenario. He says that it’s a lot for one person, and originally, he did not want children.
SHE CHOSE THIS LIFE
He also added that he loves them more than anything now, but ultimately, he feels like this is the life she chose for herself, and she knew what she was getting herself into.
WHAT DID OP FEEL?
He says that he doesn’t want to deny her the opportunity, but he doesn’t know of many mothers who live for that long by themselves with such a young one at home, and he feels like she’s a little entitled.
WHAT WAS OP’S WIFE’S RESPONSE?
He says that she responded that she’s not entitled because she’s just asking him to do what she does every day.
WHAT DID OP SAY NOW?
He added that his wife feels he was telling her she can be a mother and nothing else. He doesn’t think this is true; he thinks that he is just asking her to be a mother FIRST.
WHAT WAS OP’S THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ISSUE?
He also admits that he knows that she does a lot as a mother, and he appreciates it greatly, but admittedly he does not feel like he is capable of doing what she does every day.
He says he does not get the days off/ home that she does, and he doesn’t have the patience he should have with the infant.
HE LET HER GO, FINALLY
OP says that after much back and forth, he begrudgingly told her that she could go and that he would just figure it out, and if he absolutely had to, he would take PTO from work to make sure the kids were taken care of.
WHAT WAS HIS WIFE’S RESPONSE TO IT?
His wife said not to worry about it and said that she just won’t go.
OP’S FINAL THOUGHT
He says that he doesn’t want her to be bitter about it because he completely understands needing a vacation, especially from kids/ family, and has offered alternatives, like watching them for a weekend so she can do as she pleases, to which she was not very receptive.
OP asks if he is a jerk.
OP’S CLARIFICATION
OP says that people seem to be hung up on the “this is the life she chose for herself” part.
He added that he does not say this to say that she deserves more burden of parenting but says that a lot of assumptions suggest that he does not parent the kids while she slaves away.
He feeds and bathes, and father his kids as well. He says that is a team effort, but he says that taking over his wife’s share while working 60 hours a week is overwhelming.
When he says she chose this for herself, he means that getting things her way on her own time becomes much less reasonable, and he feels like she refuses to accept this or is largely unwilling to compromise when it comes to giving up things she wants.
He also added that he has no problem being a father. That’s not the issue. In fact, last year, before he switched to his current job, there was a good 8 to 10 months where he worked at night and kept their toddler during the day to save on daycare costs.
He says that it was great. Who doesn’t want to watch bluey all day? He also added that he can do what she does every day but he says that he cannot do what his wife does along with what he does every day.
YOU SHOULD DEAL WITH IT
“Working from home while parenting young children is NOT A DAY OFF. SHE DOES TWO JOBS AT THE SAME TIME. Also, if you didn’t want kids and she did, you could have ended the relationship. But you didn’t, and now you’re a dad. You made your choice, deal with it.”
SHE IS ON DUTY FOR SEVEN DAYS A WEEK
“When will people learn that there is no compromise if one person in a relationship doesn’t want children? That being said, how much childcare do you actually do? From your post, it sounds like your wife does the bulk of it and works full-time. So she’s on duty seven days a week.”
YOU CAN DO IT FOR A WEEK
“You are a jerk. These are your children, right? If she can do this every day, you can do it for a week. I think it’s too late for her not to be bitter, though. You basically told her that she can’t go on vacation because you can’t handle doing what she does every single day.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.