Contacting your ex’s fiancé right before their wedding is usually a bad idea, but what if you’re doing it to fulfill a dying person’s last wish? A netizen recently asked, “Am I a jerk for contacting my ex’s fiancé without his consent?”. We need to hear your thoughts on the matter.
The Original Poster (OP) (30F) was engaged to Anthony (32M) 4 years ago. Their relationship ended for a number of reasons but they had been together since high school.
They did not have the best ending and there was a lot of hurt. OP moved across the country when she moved out of their shared home, they cut contact following their split and have remained in no contact ever since.
They have mutual friends still so OP occasionally receives updates about his life and she’s sure he receives the same.
What Happened Five Years Ago?
5 years ago, Anthony’s mother, Liz passed away after a long illness and because they were engaged, Liz had given OP a letter and a wrapped gift that she wanted OP to give to Anthony on their wedding day.
It was not specific to their wedding day but since she knew she would not be there she decided OP should be the one to do it. She asked OP to just keep it between them (she did not want her ex-husband or other kids to know).
Eight Months Later
Image Credits: Deposit PhotosEight months later, when they actually called off the wedding, OP had forgotten about these items as she had stored them in her childhood bedroom for safekeeping, and in the midst of moving across the country, OP left the items behind which she is aware was careless.
Fast Forward To Now
Fast forward to now and OP recently learned that Anthony is engaged to Beth (30s) and OP’s first thought was that she is really happy for them and wish them all the best. OP then was thinking about their canceled wedding and his mom.
“I really loved her like a second mom, and I was struck with the sinking feeling that I still had the letter and gift from her and that I had never returned it to the family.”, says OP.
OP Then Remembered Something
OP then remembered Liz asking her not to share it with her other children or ex-husband and while OP was unsure of the exact reason, she thinks it is because she had done the same for her other children but OP is not sure who is holding on to their letters and gifts.
OP Discussed With Her Husband
OP brought it up to her husband and explained how guilty she felt about still having these things and she just did not know what to do.
Together they talked through all the different options OP could have called him but felt it would ruin the surprise on the actual wedding day which is what his mom wanted.
OP could have contacted a sibling but then she feels like it would have ruined their surprise since they are not married yet. OP thought about relatives but she just doesn’t know who.
OP’s Final Decision
OP settled on Beth. It just felt right that Liz wanted it to come from his soon-to-be wife. OP reached out to her via social media DM and wrote her an extensive letter detailing what OP had stated above.
OP told her she could do with this information what she wanted but that OP would be in her hometown next month and would love to get these items to her.
The Final Fuss
Apparently, this was the wrong thing to do. Beth told Anthony about OP’s message, and he is annoyed that OP reached out to her.
He says OP has no business contacting his fiancé. OP is torn now because she was honestly trying to honor his mother’s wishes and return the items to their rightful owner.
“I really felt like I was doing the right thing for everyone.”, says OP.
Now OP wants to know if she is a jerk for doing this.
You Did Nothing Wrong
“Not the jerk – you were trying to fulfill his Mothers’ wishes. His fiancé had the option of responding or not, you at least gave that option.
It may have been a bit of a shock to receive the contact but if you accept that someone has a past you have to accept that sometimes that past may sometimes come into contact with your present.”
Giving Them To Anthony Would’ve Been Better
“Not the jerk. But, you should maybe consider just giving them straight to Anthony. What if the letter says something about ‘I’m so happy you’re marrying Dense-Entrance, she’s perfect for you’?”
Contacting His Fiancé Wasn’t A Good Idea
“Not the jerk but you probably should have contacted your ex or even a friend of his instead of his fiancé. The fiancé doesn’t know you and because of that, she has reason to believe that you’re just trying to start drama.
I realize that you were trying to get a gift to your fiancé in accordance with his late mother’s wishes but that kind of went out the window when you and your ex called off the wedding.
You should have just sent him a message informing him that you have a gift his mother gave you to give to him years ago that you forgot about and you’ll be happy to mail it if he wants it.”
Why Would She Listen To You?
“You’re the jerk. Why would the fiancée listen to a complete stranger over social media asking her to present an unopened gift and to keep a secret from the fiancé?
You could be sane. Or insane. What if you’re a crazy ex who concocted a story and is sending a crazy gift? She has no idea of knowing.”
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