What would you do if your spouse’s new job starts bothering you to the extent you actually end up telling them that you HATE IT?
An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for telling my wife I hate her new job?”. Here’s the full story for your context.
Backstory
The Original Poster (OP) (38M) and his wife (37F) have been married for twelve years and have three kids (10, 8, & 6).
During the pandemic, OP’s wife’s job allowed her to switch to 100% WFH. They never required her to go back to the office because her productivity actually increased so there was no need.
What Does OP Say
“It made things easier for us too. I dropped the kids off at school/daycare in the morning and she picked them up in the afternoon. She was able to keep up with a few things around the house during the day, we saved on gas and car maintenance, etc.”, says OP
A Few Months Ago
A few months ago, OP’s wife was contacted by a recruiter about a job. It would be a nice step up in her career path as well as a boost in pay. But there were drawbacks.
The company had no WFH policy and would require her to work in the office. This was non-negotiable. It would also be a 45-minute commute for her.
What Happened Next
Next, OP and his wife talked it over a lot, and OP expressed his concerns about how this would impact their daily lives. OP told her that he doesn’t necessarily think that the bump in pay is worth the major changes to their daily lives.
Not to mention the stress that a long commute can have on people and that could impact their mood and how they interact at home.
The Crux Of Their Conversation
OP’s wife assured OP that everything would be fine and that they would adjust as a family and soon, the new routine would just become their new normal. OP told her that he would never tell her NOT to take the job, but he just doesn’t know if it is worth the changes that it is going to bring.
“Ultimately, the decision was hers and she accepted the new job. She’s been there for about 10 weeks now.”, says OP.
How Has It Been Going
According to OP, to say it has been an adjustment would be an understatement. His wife wakes up and leaves before the kids even get up.
She’ll help get a few things ready for them before she goes, but the entire morning kid routine is on OP. He also does both drop-off and pick-up for all the kids too.
Evenings Have Been Particularly Messy
Evenings have been a huge mess because OP gets home and tries to get the kids distracted while he starts dinner.
When OP’s wife gets home, she is usually stressed from the drive (her commute has turned into over an hour due to construction and traffic) and takes fifteen minutes for herself to calm down before eating alone. Then, after dinner, she’s going to bed earlier because she has to wake up earlier.
What Did OP Tell Her?
OP told her that he feels her new job has put an unfair amount of household and childcare duties on him and that she is being far less present in their lives when she’s home. She told me that they just need to give it more time to adjust and things will get easier.
“I told her that 10 weeks is a pretty good adjustment period and I hate it so far. She told me I’m being an un-supportive jerk and I need to give it more time.”, says OP.
Talk About Solutions
“Everyone’s in the wrong. You two are talking past each other. You say you wanted to come up with solutions but you don’t suggest any actual solutions. She was dismissive of your concerns and also didn’t suggest any solutions. She’s making more money, use that to outsource some of this stuff.
As a general matter, I don’t think it’s fair to expect that over the course of a lifetime, your spouse’s career will never require you to pick up the slack at home. These things tend to shift.
She handled more stuff while she was WFH, now it’s your turn. If it’s unsustainable for you then absolutely talk about solutions. But ‘I hate it!’ is not a solution.”
You’re Certainly The Jerk
“You’re the jerk. Why is it too much to expect men to support their partner’s advancement and career when women do it all the time? Accept it, soldier. They are your children, too.”
What A Hypocrite!
“You’re the jerk, She was doing ALL THAT and more while she was WORKING from home, time for you to step up and be an equal parent and not stifle your partner’s ‘nice step up in her career path as well as a boost in pay’. What a hypocrite.”
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