Relationship with your partner is the most important one in your life but what if you can’t rely on them, is it still worth being in that relationship?
A user asked whether I was wrong for telling my(28) fiancée(29) that I could not rely on her in a life-or-death situation. We want to hear from you; here is the entire story.
Backstory:
What Does OP Say
She Has No Sense of Danger
What Happened Recently?
Friday, OP and his fiance went out on a friend’s boat and got into a dangerous situation. They were anticipating light rain but ended up with a downpour, high winds, and high waves.
OP’s Fiance Screamed and Cried
While OP and the other men were trying to strap things down and keep the boat from capsizing, OP’s fiancée screamed and cried for dear life. She was in hysterics.
Note: OP clarifies that this has nothing to do with them being women. It has everything to do with them not knowing how to help, and a small mistake could increase the danger.
What Does The OP Think?
OP says, “I get it was a scary situation, but her yelling and screaming that “we’re all gonna die” and for god to save us and crying, saying that it’s my fault that she’s on the boat since I asked her to come with.
None of the other gfs or wives were doing this, just her. I’m sure the other women there were just as scared but tried to keep It in for the sake of the men doing something about it.”
What Happened After?
The downpour was terrible for about 15 minutes. So 15 minutes of wailing while they did everything they could to keep things alright, they made it back safe with little more damage than a few spilled white claws.
On the car ride home, OP told his fiancée they needed to talk about how she behaved during the crisis. Not only was it incredibly embarrassing in front of the boys, but it was distracting, unhelpful, and telling.
He Told Her
I told her that today proved to him that if he was in a life or death situation, he could not rely on her to be any help or do anything except make things more stressful. He said she needed to learn to be helpful and not panic.
How Did She React?
She got unbelievably mad. She said she thought she would die and had reason to freak out. OP told her that all of us were scared, but none of us were as ridiculous as she was. We argued the entire ride home, and she was still angry at me.
What Does OP Say
OP says “I think I was right to say this, especially since we plan on spending our lives together and raising a family, and I can’t be the only levelheaded one. Am I a jerk”
Her Feelings Don’t Change The Fact
“No, you are not a jerk – She can feel and react however she pleases, but that doesn’t change the facts.
So you’re correct. She was unhelpful and only made an already scary situation even more stressful.
It’s indeed a beneficial skill to have, to be able to think somewhat straight in a crisis. Or at the very least, have the sense not to make it worse for those trying to help.”
It is a Dramatic Attention Seeker Response
“I refuse to accept this is a genuine “fear” response. I feel this is more of a dramatic attention-seeker response.”
Time To End Your Relationship
“Screaming, “It’s your fault I’m about to die,” is enough for me to end the relationship. It’s our final moments, and you choose to blame and attack? That’s not who I want dying next to me.”
You’re mistaken
“What exactly was your aim with this discussion? Because it sounds to me like you wanted to put your fiancé in her place rather than talk about her traumatic experience and try to understand what happened with her so that you could help her manage her stress response better next time.
Face it; you were not trying to help by bringing this up with her in the way you did. You were not solutions-focused; you wanted to assign blame and guilt.
Think about one thing though: You’re not even helping yourself by doing this because now you’ve only put extra doubt in your fiancé’s mind the next time any situation comes up.
You are a jerk to your fiancé and yourself in the long run. I’m not even touching on the misogynistic overtones in your post – other commenters will cover that better.”
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