While it is ultimately up to a couple to decide whether or not to have a baby, if they expect you to be a primary caregiver, you deserve to have a say in the matter.

A netizen recently asked, “Am I a jerk for telling my sister-in-law (SIL) I will disown her if she gets pregnant?.” Could you look into this matter? 


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The Original Poster (OP) (33f) lives with her brother (32m) and his new wife (34f). Things have been fine to a point, and she appreciates them taking her in during her time of need.

That is not lost on her; she recognizes they did not have to help her, and she is incredibly thankful that they have done that. But her SIL has a baby fever, and she is talking about trying to get pregnant.

What Does OP Know And Say?

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First of all, OP knows her brother had the snip after his divorce from his first wife. He would have to have the procedure reversed, and his insurance will not cover it, and to be frank, they cannot afford that. Part of why they allowed her to move in is because they are in financial trouble, and OP is contributing a lot of money to bills.  

What Does OP Say

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OP says, “I cover probably 2/3 of all the bills because my SIL doesn’t work, and my brother pays his ex-wife an ungodly amount of child support. The financial issues can be another point in the situation.” 

A Little Background Of OP’s SIL

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OP’s SIL also can barely take care of herself. She sleeps most of the day. She does not clean, cook, or take care of the child she already has…her daughter is 6 years old and she doesn’t even interact with her unless she HAS to. Although OP thinks that is a totally separate issue, she has become a live-in maid and nanny on top of working 45 or more hours a week.

OP’s SIL lost custody of her other child about 2 years ago. He is 11 and living with family. OP does not know why she even lost custody but “he SAYS he was abused”. She did not fight to get him back either. 

What Happened Two Days Ago?

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Two days ago, OP’s brother told her he has an appointment to meet his Doc to discuss the reversal so he and SIL can try for a baby.

What Did OP Say

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OP says, “I told them they were out of their minds. It got explosive, and I finally asked WHO was going to take care of a baby when my brother works full time, I work full time, and she constantly makes excuses to not even do basic stuff around the house like taking the dog outside.

What Did She Say

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She really had the nerve to tell me, “I thought you could handle them when you get off work before (brother) gets home so the load is evenly distributed.” I blew up! I told her I am not going to be a parent to ANOTHER one of her kids and that if they really do this, then I am totally done, and they are on their own.

I told my brother I would always love and help him if he needed me but that I would never talk to SIL and make sure the rest of the family disowns her too. I was probably the jerk for saying that the way I did. She started crying and locked herself in the bedroom.”

What Happened Next?

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OP’s brother is threatening to kick her out, and again she thinks she might be the jerk for this. She says, “I told him he can’t afford to kick me out, and he can’t afford a replacement maid/nanny like I have been.” 

OP Told Their Mom

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OP told their mom about what happened and she not only thinks she’s not the jerk but is now mad at her brother. Their dad, however, said she was the jerk because it isn’t her place to say anything about her brother’s decisions. So, she wants to know if she really is a jerk.

Some More Context 

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OP later edited the post and added the following information:

“Edit 1- I moved in over a year ago when I was down on my luck and unemployed. The conditions for me moving in were that I helped around the house until I was back on my feet. Their financial situation changed, though, and they asked me to stay, which is why I have been living with them this long.

What I did NOT expect was to get almost 100% of the workload in the home and work longer hours than my brother. We have had multiple conversations about how I felt it was unfair that I do so much and my SIL said they helped me, so I am obligated to help now. Had I known this would be thrown in my face I would have rather been homeless.

Edit 2- I chose to be childfree but I love my step-niece and leaving at this point would hurt her the most. CPS has been called many times not even by myself but by their friends and my brother’s ex-wife because they feel my niece is being neglected. My ex-SIL specifically said emotional abuse and neglect and that she had witnessed forms of humiliation in the past as punishment.

My niece is definitely troubled. She has a therapist. I am constrained on what I can do when the people who are supposed to help just won’t.”

So, She Wants A Baby But Not The Child She Already Has?

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“I was fully prepared to go into this to say you were the jerk, but after reading it, a big no. Your dad’s right, it shouldn’t be your business, but they made it that way because they’re including you in their childcare plans. If she wants another child so bad, why not work at getting the child she already has and lost custody of long back.” Said one. 

“That one is broken, she needs a fresh one, a good one.” Another added. 

Just Detangle Yourself From Them!

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“You need to get out of this living situation and detangle yourself from them. Before your brother can ‘kick you out,’ find yourself a tiny apartment so you can watch the inevitable disasters from a safe distance.

Not the jerk, but get out now: you’re already paying and working far too much for this household and enabling a lazy parent. Without you, their dumb marriage will hopefully implode before he gets his vasectomy reversed.”

Normally, It’s Not Your Business, But This Situation Isn’t Normal 

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“Normally, it’s their business, and it has nothing to do with you. However: you pay 2/3 of the bills. SIL is a stay-at-home mom, without doing the household chores nor taking care of the one kid she still has living with you.

She lost custody of a child, and she can’t be bothered to walk the dog, a living creature that depends on its owners.

It would be foolish to willingly add another kid into this equation as long as SIL can’t act responsibly and they both haven’t got their financial situation in order and won’t have to rely on you anymore..”

There’s Nothing Scarier Than This

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“Not the jerk. There is nothing scarier than a mother who has lost custody of one child and getting pregnant with another. Nope, nope, nope.” Said one. 

“And ignores the one she has. She wants a baby, not a child. When that baby reaches a certain age, they’ll also be unwanted.” Another added. 

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This article was originally published on Mrs. Daaku Studio.

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