Some mothers may choose not to have any involvement in the lives of their half-siblings.
A netizen recently asked, “Am I a jerk for telling my half-brother the reason why my mom wants nothing to do with him?”. We need to hear your thoughts on this one.
Backstory
When Original Poster, OP (16M) was a baby, his parents divorced.
OP’s dad had been cheating on his mom, and it only came to light because his mistress (OP’s stepmom) got pregnant and made him choose between her and OP’s mom. Nine months, and one divorce later, OP’s brother Ethan (now 14) was born.
OP’s Mom’s Distaste For Ethan
Needless to say, OP’s mom isn’t fond of Ethan. She doesn’t hate him, but she doesn’t love him either or want any type of relationship with him.
On the semi-frequently times she sees him (when she picks OP up and drops him off at his dad’s house), she basically ignores him.
She avoids making eye contact or ever initiating conversation with him, and when Ethan tries to talk to her, she gives short answers and gets them both on their way asap.
The Confusion In Ethan’s Mind
OP’s dad and stepmom have sheltered Ethan from the past family drama, and it’s always been frustrating, but OP figured it wasn’t his place to interfere.
Because of that, Ethan didn’t understand why OP’s mom doesn’t like him. He thought it was because she hates OP’s dad (a bit true) and is a cold, resentful old hag who can’t leave the past behind and is jealous of OP’s stepmom (his words exactly from two years ago, which OP thinks is again partially true minus the jealousy, but she has a good reason).
OP says, “Before y’all tell me that my mom lied to me about my dad’s affair, he’s admitted to everything as I’ve told it when I pressed him for details some years back.”
The Inciting Incident
Anyway, onto the inciting incident. OP’s mom planned a vacation, and of course, OP was invited, but she also invited OP’s paternal uncle (who took OP’s mom’s side in the family decisions about the affair and divorce and who still remains close friends with her to this day) and his kids.
When Ethan found out that his cousins were invited on the vacation but not him, he broke down and came to OP asking why OP’s mom hates him so much. He broke down crying; OP felt so bad for him.
OP decided that he deserved to know the truth.
Truth Be Told
OP tried to break the truth as gently as he possibly could, but there’s really no good way to tell a sobbing kid that he’s the result of cheating, and that’s why OP’s mom never wanted a relationship with him.
Ethan’s Reaction
The good side is that Ethan wasn’t crying anymore or mad at OP’s mom; the wrong side was that he was really frustrated at his parents. Well, OP had to leave for the vacation (he actually wrote this on the flight), and OP’s dad and stepmom have been blowing up his phone.
They’re furious at OP for ‘telling him before he was ready’. OP let his mom know the situation and she told him that that was ‘kind of a jerk move’ because OP dropped a bomb and left them to clean up the mess.
What Does OP Think Now?
OP says, “Ethan isn’t exactly emotionally mature, and considering the fury that I last saw him in, I wouldn’t want to deal with that nonsense either.
Now I’m thinking I might have undermined my dad and stepmom’s parenting, and maybe I should have at least waited until after I got back so I could help prevent the implosion that’s going on back home. Am I a jerk?”
That Should’ve Not Been Expected, First Of All
“Adults should never expect kids to keep secrets for them. Not the jerk”, said one.
“Adults should also never expect kids to manage the emotional responses of their siblings. OP is in no way responsible for the fallout, that’s Dad and SM’s whole job as parents. This is the purest form of messing around and finding out on their part.”, another added.
They Had A Pretty Easy Fix
“They had an easy way to fix this. You don’t have to go into gory details, but a few facts would have allowed him to understand how your mother felt.
The fact that they left it this long and you had to absorb the emotional reaction from him is on them, not on you. I am sure everyone could figure out a better way to let him know, but there does come a point where a young teen has to just give the information that they know as best they can. I think you did that.”
Your Reaction Was Understandable
“You’re a child too, and you witnessed both your brother being heartbroken and your mother being badmouthed. It’s a natural reaction and all the adults are being the jerks here for not understanding this.
Also, if your dad and stepmom would have really wanted to keep him protected, they could have made up a nicer version of the truth instead of letting the boy think he was hated for no reason by his brother’s mom. They only thought about themselves, so the problem is entirely theirs to deal with, rightfully!”
You Did The Right Thing
“Ethan had some choice words about your mother. You are a good son for defending your mother against lies. He was being fed some lies by his parents. Please enjoy your vacation.”
It’s Solely The CHEATERS’ Faults
“Not the jerk, you were trying to placate years of confusion over why Ethan is disliked by your mother for something that is NOT his fault.
The cheaters never win in the end, if their son looks at them differently because they’re cheaters, it’s solely the CHEATERS’ fault. It’s their mess to clean no matter what. At least Ethan is not wrongfully mad at your mom anymore.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.