You must be crazy or have serious mental issues to hate an innocent dead person!

A netizen recently asked, “Am I a jerk for not being able to offer help and support to my sister during her grief anymore?”. Read on to know what exactly happened!


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The Original Poster’s (OP’s) sister (44F) lost her husband, Joe, a few months ago. They were married for 12 years, and he had a son, Parker, who is now 20. 

“Joe’s first wife died when Parker was five, and he met my sister a year later and married her two years after that,” says OP. 


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OP’s sister considered Parker her son from the day she moved in with Joe. Parker did not return that affection, and on his side, the relationship with OP’s sister was quite strained. OP’s sister could not have biological children, so she and Joe adopted Eleanor, now eight, and Gregory, who is seven. 


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When Joe died, Parker told OP’s sister he saw no reason for them to stay in each other’s lives, and he moved across the country and severed contact. 

“Before Joe’s death, Parker only saw or spoke to his dad. He didn’t see much of my sister”, says OP. 


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Her (OP’s) sister was heartbroken that Parker didn’t want to continue to be part of the family after losing his dad and still didn’t feel any love or affection for her to stay. 

“She cried on my shoulder many times, and we talked about grief and widowhood (I’m a widow, too),” says OP. 


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But a couple of months ago, OP’s sister started talking negatively about Joe’s first wife and said she wished she had forced Joe to remove all traces of his first wife so Parker would not “cling to her memory like she was reality.” 

OP told her sister she shouldn’t think that way, and Parker deserved to know. But OP’s sister has continued to talk about her “almost hatred” for Joe’s first wife/Parker’s mom.


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Having lost her husband eight years ago when their sons were 8 and 4, OP struggled to hear her talk negatively about dead parents.

“It’s also the way she talks about how Joe loved his late wife still, as if that was a crime and as though it’s wrong,” says OP. 


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“That’s something I cannot listen to anymore. I still love my late husband. I still wear my wedding ring. The boys and I still talk about him. My sister isn’t saying anything about me talking about my husband. But when she said people should let the love for a late spouse go after a year, it irks me”, says OP. 


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She (OP) told her sister she could no longer help and support her through this, given where she’s at and where OP is at. 

“My sister was furious and told me I’m her sister and should be there for her. I told her I couldn’t be and I’m sorry about that, but I need to take care of myself too. She said I was selfish and mistreated her for no reason. Am I a jerk?” asks OP. 


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“Not the jerk. It’s disturbing that your sister thinks like that. Parker lost his mother at five and father at 20. That’s harsh, and your sister doesn’t understand that.”


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“It’s your sister who’s being completely unreasonable here. She seems to be stuck in the anger part of grief and selects the first wife as her target. She needs therapy and pretty soon. She’s getting more and more unhealthy with how she’s handling her grief.

I’m glad you recognized you needed to step away and did it. Please continue to be mindful of your needs and allow for them.”


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“Your sister needs a therapist. She’s beyond help that you can give her. She’s understandably angry, but her anger is misplaced. I’m sure this can’t be easy for you, but her words are horrifying. How can she have this much hatred in her for an innocent dead person? 

You are taking care of yourself by telling your sister you can no longer support her. She is toxic right now & is trying to bring you along to her pity party. Not the jerk.” 


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“Not the jerk, but you’d do well to remember there are many stages to grief, and your sister has entered one of anger and blame. It happens and is very normal. In a while, she’ll be through it and will be thinking differently.

I honestly think withdrawing your support during this difficult time just because you don’t like this stage is not pleasant, but whatever works for you, I guess.”

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