Beneath the surface of many relationship breakdowns lie insidious issues that can gradually chip away at love and trust, often unnoticed until it’s too late.
1. Interference By Friends & Family
“Outside noise from society, family, friends”
“Yep, it’s creepy and icky actually how much others think they have a say in people’s relationships.”
2. Keeping Score
“Keeping score.” “In conjunction with this, resentment.”
3. Lack of Honesty
“Never being completely honest just because you want to spare your partner’s feelings.”
“It just hurts more when they find out from someone else.”
4. Invalidating Your Partner’s Feelings
“Invalidating your partner’s feelings.”
“1000%! Saying someone is “over-sensitive” is just a way to avoid having to show up for them emotionally, and your partner will remember that.”
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5. Children
“A disabled or sick child”
“Also, the death of a child.”
“This – our daughter’s diagnosis brought us to the brink of divorce many times since we got it. We’re doing better, but devastating.”
6. Lack Of The Safe Space
“I think people don’t put sufficient importance on protecting the boundaries and intimacy of relationships. It should be a space where you feel safe, loved, and valued for the two of you. That means not telling other people all the gory details because you’re breaking a boundary, and that ruins part of the intimacy.
It means keeping some people’s opinions and general presence out because it’s just you both. It means protecting specific actions, forms of intimacy, and the primacy of the other person so it can be boundari-ed and safe. There are so many ways that people violate this or don’t protect it sufficiently, but they ultimately amount to the same thing. Your relationship is only for and about the both of you, and you should save more for the exclusive things that you only do together.”
7. Expecting Things Will Never Change
“Probably an unpopular opinion, but trying to stay the same whether it’s wants, needs, goals, or expectations. Sometimes people forget that we grow, so things change, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grow together. Why tread water when you can swim to the shore as a unit?”
8. Burdening One
“Uneven distribution of household or child-rearing labor.”
9. Difference in Libido
It can create a rift when one doesn’t want it as much as the others. Work on it intentionally to save your relationship.
10. Controlling Your Partner
“Overstepping boundaries of control. You’re both adults, so watch out for one party trying to control the other. You need to compromise on some things, but your partner should not make you feel like you have to bury or abandon something vital to you or bring you joy.
My ex-husband hated coffee and didn’t like cheese, so he’d give me an earful when I’d buy a $2 coffee now and then. He’d also call any cheese that wasn’t Kraft singles “stupid cheese.” Like that was his name for it.
Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, but they should learn how to let stuff go. Now that I’m divorced, I get coffee whenever I want and have a crisper drawer dedicated to cheeses.”
11. Blame Games
“Blame. The single best predictor of relationship failure is the frequency of blaming language. Blame is poisonous to relationships.”
“Approach problems from a problem-solving mindset, not a blame-assigning one, if you want your relationship to last.”
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12. Money
“Money. Lack thereof, disagreements on spending, one person resenting the other making more, one person spending anyway without consulting the other…”
“Money isn’t the “root of evil,” but it sure can cause your breakup.”
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13. Social Media
“Social media. It’s frustrating how society has created a new norm that relationships aren’t “official” unless posted all over social media.”
“I find it so depressing seeing a couple out for a meal together at a nice place, and both are glued to their phones, not talking at all. But their Instagrams will show they’re “having a blast.”
14. Lack of Arguing
“Lack of arguing. Holding in feelings creates resentment towards your partner. Arguing without losing control of your emotions and being civil is an essential skill to develop.”
15. Different Life Goals
“This is under-acknowledged. This is a subconscious realization that many aren’t able to articulate or recognize in a relationship. Yet it’s so important to have similar goals. This needs to be talked about more.”
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16. Religious Beliefs
“I think what kills it is two people get together with compatible beliefs, but then one changes beliefs in a life-changing manner. Of course, that person is doing what they believe is right, but speaking from personal experience; it puts a huge strain on their relationships.”
17. Fatal Diagnosis
“A cancer diagnosis. Men are six times more likely to leave their partners after a cancer diagnosis than women, though.”
“An unequal power dynamic. That can play out as one person not doing their share of domestic and emotional labor or unequal decision making around money.”
18. Mental Illness
“Mental illness. Society likes to celebrate it now as a personality quirk, but it’s a whole different story when it prevents your spouse from getting employment. Mental illness is ugly. It makes people and their lives ugly. Nothing more than that.”
19. Past Trauma
“Past trauma that hasn’t been dealt with. Sometimes people don’t realize it or think something that very much affects them doesn’t or can be controlled until boom, it isn’t under control.”
20. Emotional Cheating
“Also, emotional cheating. Everyone talks about physical cheating, but many partners withdraw emotionally and invest their energy into someone else. It often goes unnoticed, or if the partner does notice it, then the emotional cheater will make excuses like they are just friends, nothing physical is going on, but then it leaves the other person still feeling disconnected from them with no “proof” of actual cheating.”
21. Spending Too Much Time Together
“Spending too much time together. The most amazing person in the world will become ordinary if you spend 24/7 with them, basic things become arguments, and you stop appreciating each other as much. If you live together, make sure to do special nights, like going to the movies or dancing or something. TV and sex is a great night, but if it’s all you give your partner for months, they will get bored.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs. Daaku Studio.