It is possible to be considered a villain in a situation without being in the wrong. If you are unable to communicate your valid point effectively or empathize with the other person’s perspective, you may irreparably damage your relationships.
An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for telling my brother he cannot come to my wedding?”. Let us know what you think in the comments section!
Backstory
The Original Poster, OP (32F) and her fiance (30M) are getting married in three months. They’ve done some major and minor planning, including rules. They specifically want NO kids at the wedding.
A Bit About OP’s Brother
OP and her brother (35M) have always been close, they’ve gotten through a lot together, he has two amazing kids (2 and 3), and OP couldn’t be any happier to be their aunt.
Their mother has had issues with substance abuse so she isn’t in their lives. OP’s brother raises the kids by himself, which is convenient because he has an at-home job.
OP’s Miscarriage And The Trauma It Brought About
OP and her fiance decided they did not want any kids at their wedding because they were going to be drinking, partying, and other stuff. OP personally wouldn’t want kids to be around.
They Have Struggled
They’ve also had struggles trying to have children of their own, and OP recently had a miscarriage in February. The miscarriage was devastating. Of course, OP’s brother was there to comfort her but the sight of her nieces shattered her even more, so OP asked him to not bring them around her for a while.
OP’s Brother’s Response
He didn’t respond to that well and stopped visiting OP at all, he said via text messages “If your own nieces cannot come, neither will I.”
OP’s fiance said it was okay to ask for no kids to be around, but her parents were frustrated. They also stopped visiting OP.
OP eventually sent out invitations to all her loved ones, the card had all the details including the bolded “NO KIDS.”
OP’s Conversation With Her Brother Online
The majority of the family was okay with that and didn’t have young kids anyway. OP’s brother on the other hand was going to be at her wedding, but once he read the invitation he sent her a text stating, “Wouldn’t your nieces make great flower girls, going to buy dresses now.”
What Did OP Reply
OP replied saying, “No need, they cannot come inside my wedding, no hard feelings.” He then said, “It shouldn’t apply to them, they are family, what color should they get, blue or silver?”
OP then replied, “None, if you feel like you cannot be separated from your children for a couple of hours then you cannot come to my wedding, my rules are clear and final on the invitation.” OP blocked her brother after that.
What Happened Next
OP has been getting nonstop text after text, call after call, begging her to talk to her brother and allow her nieces to come.
“My own parents have stated that until my nieces and brother are allowed at my wedding, they will not be there.”, says OP.
Now OP wants to know if she is a jerk.
Your Communication Style Is Messed Up
“You’re the jerk, not for no kids, but for how you’ve communicated. I think a child-free wedding would’ve gone down a lot better without the months of ignoring them beforehand.
I’m not sure if there are missing details, but it feels like your communication style is really abrupt.
Maybe English isn’t your first language and something is being lost in translation.
I’m just going to say that you get to choose your priorities and boundaries, but you don’t get to choose how others react.
Your relationship with your brother may be irreparable, and you might really regret that if you do have children in the future who never get to know their cousins.”
Get Therapy For Your Miscarriage
“You’re the jerk – maybe instead of having a wedding, please go to therapy to grieve because you are pushing everyone away, the wedding is the last priority.
Your brother has been supportive but he was probably hurt that you didn’t want to see his kids, they are very young and it seems like he doesn’t want to leave them alone since they already had one parent abandoning them with substance abuse.
Plus idk if the kids had any effects because idk if she used drugs during pregnancy. But to him, he’s a single dad 100% of the time and wants to be there for his kids. Yes, you don’t have to have kids at your wedding but the way your handling it isn’t well.
Please get therapy for your miscarriage because pushing your nieces isn’t good for them and isn’t good for your brother and it’s only going to make you alone in the end.”
You Handled This Poorly
“I’ve had a miscarriage. It’s heartbreaking and I’m sorry for your loss.
I also have a 2 & 3-year-old. I’m struck by your comment that it’s convenient for your brother’s parents alone because he works from home.
Having young kids is challenging as hell with two loving, involved parents. Your brother is really in the trenches right now and it’s telling about your involvement in his life that you don’t realize that.
It’s your wedding, your choice, but I would think you would tell people at the wedding if their kids weren’t allowed before they received mailed announcements stating such. You handled this poorly and that makes you a jerk.”
That’s On Him, Not You
“Not the jerk. You get to have the wedding you want, and if that means no kids, so be it. If your brother won’t come because of that, that’s on him, not you. My wife and I had a no-kids wedding, and while it caused some friction, we’ve never regretted it so congrats!”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.