It can be difficult to hear harsh jokes from family members, but it is important to remember that you are not obligated to tolerate them.
A user asked the forum, “Will I be a jerk for revealing where my kid’s college money came from?”. Read the complete story to know if this is wrong.
The Original Poster (OP) is a single mother (43F), she has two kids, 18f and 14m. She says that their fathers are not in the picture.
Recently she was contacted by her ex-BIL (40M).
WHAT DID OP’S EX-BIL SAY?
He told her that when he married her sister (38F), he had started college funds for her kids. They separated, but he still wanted to give the money to her children.
WHAT DID OP SAY?
OP says that it’s not a full-ride amount, but it will mean her daughter won’t have to work during college unless she wants to spend money, and it’s all that she or her parents can give her.
SHE ASKED NOT TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT
She says that she was overjoyed at this but she asked him not to tell anyone because her sister had grown quite bitter about their divorce.
OP’S PERSPECTIVE ABOUT THEIR DIVORCE
She also added that she is not really sure what went down, but they had separate finances, so she didn’t think it would be due to money reasons.
OP TOLD HER FAMILY ABOUT THE FUND
Everyone was overjoyed when she told her family they had received a donation to her daughter’s college fund.
HOW DID THEY FEEL?
But they are also really suspicious because there have been times in the last few years when money would have really helped.
A HARSH JOKE
Someone in her family started the “joke” that she got this from her boss for “favors.”
She says that it’s not true, but her sister and brother won’t let it go. “Let’s get takeout tonight; hey, X, go sleep with your boss and get it.”
HOW DID OP FEEL?
She says that she was not doing a good job explaining it, but she feels it’s quite hurtful to have her family saying these things, even as jokes.
WHAT WAS HER DECISION?
She added that she is considering telling them BIL is the one behind it.
It will stop them from insisting on knowing the source, but it might hurt her sister to know he helped them.
She also added that she can’t really ask people for advice without it leaking out. She has only told one girl from work, and she suggested here for some anonymous opinions.
She wants to know if she is a jerk?
THE SCENARIO WILL REMAIN THE SAME
“Not a jerk for considering it. However, there is nothing to be gained from telling them the source of the funds. Your family will switch from accusing you of sleeping with your boss to sleeping with your ex-BIL, which will be an even more unpleasant situation.
Sounds like some distance from your sister and brother are in order until they stop their behavior. And tell them why you are now low/no contact if they ask.”
WHY DO YOU WANT EVEN TO TELL THEM ANYTHING?
“Why tell them anything? Ever? Why can’t your kids go to school with whatever funds are available and offer no info on how you paid for it?
I miss the days when, like how you paid for college, that new house or car, or anything was personal and not discussed in general.
After reading you are a jerk for a while, I’ve realized that if everyone would just stop regarding controversial, private, and personal info, everyone worldwide would be happier.”
DON’T DO THAT
“You shouldn’t have said anything, so you created this problem for yourself. Now that you are getting all the nonsense for it, you want to cause more drama by revealing the source. Don’t do that.
This will just cause more problems for you and your family and for the BIL who is trying to help you out. If they like to belittle you, then this will just give them more matter. Next, it will be that you were/are sleeping with him.
Tell your family over and over again that you don’t appreciate them for such jokes and find a way to shut that down that doesn’t give them more ways to hurt you.
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