Grieving a loss is emotionally exhausting. It is not easy to come to terms with a loss, and it takes strength to move on. But what if you find yourself behaving badly because you are going through so much emotionally? Is it justified, or should you apologize?
A user asked the forum, “Am I a jerk for yelling at my nephews until they cried and had to leave?”. Read the complete story to know what happened.
BACKSTORY
The Original Poster’s (OP) son recently died. She has not moved his stuff other than keeping it clean. She says that she usually leaves the door to his room closed.
She said that she picks up and babysits her two nephews for around an hour on weekdays since their mom (her sister-in-law) gets off work too late to pick them up. She added that her nephews are 11 and 13. Usually, they are well-behaved and do their own thing or even sometimes help her with chores.
WHAT DID OP DO?
On Friday, she was cooking a very pungent soup, so she aired the whole house out by opening all the windows and doors. She says that she should have left her son’s room closed in hindsight, but she thinks she opened it out of habit.
WHAT DID HER NEPHEWS DO?
She says that when their mom went to pick up her kids, she went to get them and saw them messing around with her son’s guitar.
It turned out that the older one was messing with the string screws while the younger one was plucking at the strings.
HOW DID OP REACTED?
She says that she admittedly freaked out a lot, and she raised her voice at them, which she has never done.
She said, “What are you doing? Drop that right now! What are you even doing in his room? Get out! Never come in this room again!”
WHAT WAS KIDS REACTION?
She added that they started crying, she pulled the guitar away, and their mother came in.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Her sister-in-law tried to mediate the situation and console them, but she told them all to get out of my house, and they left. She added that the guitar was thankfully okay and not scratched.
Her sister-in-law called her later to talk and apologized on their behalf, but told her that she thinks that they should all have a sit-down and apologize to each other.
WHAT WERE HER SISTER-IN-LAW’S THOUGHTS ON THIS?
Her sister-in-law also told her that she scared her boys and that although she thinks what OP did was understandable, she said that OP overreacted in front of them.
She told her that at the end of the day, they didn’t really do anything harmful and that they deserved an apology from her, too.
WHAT WAS OP’S REPLY?
OP told her she did think she overreacted but wasn’t sorry because they could’ve broken her son’s guitar.
WHAT HAPPENED FINALLY?
Her sister-in-law again told her it’s extremely cruel to ever raise your voice at children and that she should be the bigger person.
OP asks if she is a jerk for doing that.
YOU ARE ALL GRIEVING
“No one is a jerk here. You’re all grieving. You lost your son (my condolences), and they lost their cousin. They’re just kids.
SIL is keeping a level head here. She gave you an olive branch. Being a kid is difficult, and they didn’t intend to hurt you. She expects her sons to apologize to you, and it would be courteous if you apologized too and explained why you reacted the way you did.”
IT IS UNDERSTANDABLE, BUT SPEAK WITH KIDS
“Your response was understandable to an adult, not a kid. It sounds like your SIL is really trying to mediate this and support you.
I think you kind of would be a jerk if you refused to just sit down and explain to the boys why you yelled and why you’d rather they didn’t go in your son’s room.”
YOU DID IT IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT
“Not a jerk for reacting as you did in the heat of the moment.
But it doesn’t sound like your nephews meant any harm or had had it properly explained to them why your son’s room was off limits.
Your SIL’s advice seems good to me. Sit down with your nephews and explain why you reacted as you did, and you’re sorry you shouted at them, and in future – even if the door of that room is open – they are not ever to go in without explicit and specific permission from you.”
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