How would you feel if your spouse’s ex were invited to all family events and accepted as a member of the family? An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for telling my son’s wife that his ex is in the family and has been here longer than she has.”.
Read on to know what exactly happened.
Backstory
The Original Poster’s (OP’s) son was dating Sabrina, they started in high school and broke up when they were in college. It was a long relationship and OP became really close to her. She, in OP’s eyes, is their daughter.
Her family are awful people and she sees OP and her husband as her parental figures.
“She even is planning to have my husband walk her down the aisle when she gets married.”, says OP.
What Happened After Their Breakup?
Now when OP’s son and Sabrina broke up, the relationship just died, they didn’t drop her since she is their kid at this point.
OP’s son wasn’t happy but moved on, so she gets invited to family events and has been for years. OP’s son, now 27, is married to Bethany and OP thinks she is a nice person.
“We never clicked, we don’t have much in common and they live 2 hours away so it’s hard to plan stuff to get to know her more. Really I’m sure it will grow in time.”, says OP.
The Picnic Drama
Now they had a picnic and all the family members were invited. So Sabrina was there as normal and OP thought the night was nice.
Bethany came up to OP at the end of the night and expressed that she is uncomfortable with her husband’s ex being everywhere and if OP couldn’t invite her for family stuff.
The Final Fuss
“I told her no and that Sabrina is part of the family and has been part of the family longer than she has. If there is an actually valid reason like her being rude then I would consider it but she has done nothing.
She left and my son has called me a jerk for picking her over my now real family. Am I a jerk? My husband thinks she is crazy but I know we can be biased.”, says OP.
Some More Context
OP later edited the post and added the following information:
“I will make this clear that she may not be my kid by blood but everything else she is my daughter and has been for about 10 years.
Also, Sabrina is engaged so no she doesn’t want to get back with my son, and I don’t want them to either. Yes, I have invited Bethany to do stuff with me, it’s always been a no.
I won’t disown Sabrina by dis-inviting her to family events, because that is actually what I will be saying. I will be saying I don’t see her as a family if I dis-invite her to family events she has gone to for about 10 years. This is asking me to choose between two children, I will not disown one.”
Nobody Is In The Wrong
“No jerks here – You think of Sabrina as your own child. She is invited to things because you became her surrogate family.
Bethany is not a jerk for being upset that someone her husband once loved is invited to all your family events. I would also be upset if my husband’s ex was accepted into his family while I am still struggling to feel like part of the family.”
It’s Weird As Hell
“You’re the jerk. She’s not your daughter, she’s your son’s ex and it’s weird as hell to keep inviting her to family events when your son has moved on and married.
It was extra rude to be so dismissive and nasty to Bethany when she was trying to open up about how uncomfortable she is.
If you want to be friends with his ex then do it when they’re not around.”
You’re Destroying Your Actual Relationships
“You’re the jerk. You’ve spent the past 5+ years making sure that your son knows you value this relationship with his ex more than his comfort and now you’re making his wife know it too.
I’m glad she sees you as parental figures since you’re going to destroy your actual relationship with your kid over this.”
You Are Disrespecting His Marriage
“Absolutely, you’re the jerk. This is a great way to make your son slowly start cutting you out of his life. You are disrespecting his marriage.
Lovely that you think she is ‘nice’, but I think you wouldn’t *let* yourself ‘click’ with Bethany because you’re stuck on some pipedream about your son’s ex being family.
No. **Bethany** is a part of your family. Your son chose **Bethany**. You should work on your relationship with her if you want your son to remain close to you. How does the ex-girlfriend feel about being around her ex-boyfriend and his wife?
This is an unhealthy environment for everyone.”
Move On From Your ‘Fantasy World’
“You’re the jerk. Your son didn’t marry Sabrina, he married Bethany. You need to move on from the fantasy you created in your head.
You are allowed to have a relationship with Sabrina but why does she have to be paraded around all family events like the ghost of your son’s past? You’re lucky your son still has a relationship with you at all.”
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