Jealousy rears its ugly head when husbands have female friends. A user asked, Am I wrong for doing “husband duties” for my friend?
Background
The Original Poster (OP) met this friend and her husband in college while they were dating, and OP was in an LTR. OP was a groomsman at their wedding and also the godfather of both boys and was asked to be before both were born.
Backstory
OP (36m) has a long-time friend (34f) who OP lives about four blocks from. As mentioned before, they have always been close. Her husband passed away three years ago after a 9-month battle with brain cancer, during which she was his full-time caretaker.
What Does Op Say
OP says, “I was also very close with her husband, and since I lived close by, I would go over and help as much as I could, be it cooking, cleaning, taking the kids out to do things, yard work, and maintenance around the house, especially as he declined and required round the clock care.”
What Happened After He Passed Away?
After he passed, OP continued to help her friend and her kids, and OP spent a lot of time with her kids (now 11 and 9m). Last year OP married her girlfriend, who OP started dating after my friend’s husband had passed, so this isn’t new.
Since then, there have been consistent arguments about him performing “husband duties” for OP’s friend.
What Does The Wife Say?
Some examples of the things she was upset about:
“My friend called because when she woke up, a pipe had burst in the ceiling, and she couldn’t find a plumber who could come out that day (I’m a contractor, so I was able to call a friend, and he went over asap) and then I headed over and helped her clean up the mess and helped her with talking to her insurance and hiring a remediation company.
After that was done, I helped her demo and replace the drywall.”
What Are Some Other Examples
“Her car broke down, so I picked her kids up from school and went and played basketball with them while she got it to the shop and grabbed a rental, and then the boys wanted to have a pizza party, so we grabbed some pizzas and had dinner at the park.”
“She was relandscaping her backyard and putting in some raised planter beds, and I went over on my day off to help her.”
What Does Op Say
OP says, “My wife is always welcome; she doesn’t usually want to go and instead thinks I should let her figure it out because “she’s a big girl and she needs to stop acting like I’m her husband”. She has even suggested that my friend wants to steal me away from my wife because she needs someone to take care of her.”
You’re NOT a Jerk
“Not wrong. I have a friend who has done similar things for me since my husband died, and I know he’s trying to look out for me because he was my husband’s best friend. I appreciate his help, but I would draw the line at inviting him to stay for pizza or hang out with my kids in case his wife (who is a cool person) thought it was too much.
If your wife is starting to feel uncomfortable, then dial it back a bit. Save your help for the big things like major DIY and keep up with your friend socially by inviting her to your place to hang out with you and your wife.”
How Much Time Are You Spending At Home
“I think the real question is: how much time are you spending with your wife? Like: just your wife.
And how many things are you fixing around your own house? Are you spending your weekends moving planters for your wife? And I agree with your wife about “she’s a big girl.” See, it is extra great that you are a contractor who can rush over and fix a water leak. That is a giant lifesaver.
But why are you hanging around and calling insurance companies with her? Why are you later doing all the rest of the repairs? And did you charge her for the repair, or did that eat into your available time, which then ate into your potential profits with real clients?
A grown woman should be able to handle her insurance and hire her contractor to clean up after you saved the day. AT least, Im sure that is what your wife is thinking.”
Everyone Is A Jerk
“Everyone is a jerk; this should have been discussed before you married. Look, dude, the effort you put into this woman amounts to the time and effort you aren’t putting into your marriage. Finding her a plumber? Great!
Handling the entire home renovation for her? A partner does that, and a widow needs to learn to do these things herself. Picking up the kids in an emergency? Sure! Staying the whole day “because the kids wanted to”? Where was your wife then, or during the entire day off, you helped with another family’s garden? Home alone? Doing housekeeping for your own home alone? In any case, alone.
Your wife sounds jealous, but frankly, she also sounds like she has a lot of reasons to be jealous of you; you have taken a role in another family that infringes on your role in your own. Should she have brought it up before marriage? Sure, but if your friend died three years ago and you met her afterward, she assumed it would lessen naturally as the widow found her new balance. There are things it’s reasonable to handle for a widow of six months that start feeling over the top at the 3-year mark.”
You Value Your Friend More
“I am saying you are a jerk. I say that because there have been many reasonable comments posted here, and I haven’t seen a single one that asked you to go no contact with the boys or your friend, but you have shown no acceptance of any compromise or validation whatsoever of your wife’s feelings. You came here for validation that you are right, and she is wrong. That says to me that you value your second family over her.”
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