Is it acceptable to ask your partner for a paternity test? This is a difficult conversation to have, but can you avoid it, and are you willing to risk your relationship by not having it?
A netizen recently asked for your opinion.
The Original Poster’s (OP’s) 37F partner (36M) wants a paternity test and she’s devastated. Read on to know the details.
Backstory
OP just had a beautiful daughter with her partner last Tuesday. She is perfect and they absolutely adore her. OP’s partner was so happy and was very supportive during pregnancy and labor.
“Everything was perfect or so I thought. We have only been together for 18 months and things moved quickly for us. We started living together after only 3 months and have been inseparable since.
Even working in the same factory together until I went on maternity leave. My partner and I are both recovering addicts. I have 3 years and he has 2.5 years of sobriety.”, says OP.
OP And Her Partner’s Life Right Now
They have completely turned their lives around and have a life they never thought was possible. There has never been cheating on either side but yes there can be some jealousy issues.
Now that you have some history here is the problem…they came home from the hospital on Friday and OP was exhausted so OP’s partner took the baby while she slept.
What Happened When OP Woke Up?
When OP wakes up, her partner says, “You know I love you right?” OP immediately gets worried. He says he wants a DNA test because he counted the days and when OP got pregnant, he was in jail (he is still on probation and was driving without a license).
What Does OP Say
“This is not true. I got pregnant 2 months after he got home and the cherry on top is we were actively trying to have a baby. I’m absolutely devastated and automatically felt different about him. I was tired and emotional so I just cried. He is saying he doesn’t trust me and I am angry now.”, says OP.
Did OP Take The Test?
They went yesterday to take the test and he paid $200. OP is not working, and that’s the money they need. Their baby has jet-black hair, and he has blonde hair and blue eyes. Mine is a dirty blonde.
He says he just wants to be sure and has issues because of past relationships. OP feels lost and unsure if she will ever feel the same about him.
“I don’t have anyone to talk to about this because I am embarrassed, so I came here. Thank you for any advice. Sorry for so long.”, says OP.
Men Are Too Bad At Pregnancy Math
“A lot of men have no idea that pregnancy is dated from the first day of the last period. But if he is off by two months he’s *really* not good at math!”
It’s Unsurprising He Doesn’t Trust You
“With your mutual history of addiction and traumas that likely led to said addiction, along with his questionable judgment (re-driving without a license while on probation), it’s unsurprising he doesn’t trust you.
My guess is the life you’ve both lived in the past was not conducive to building trust. If you’re truly in a great place otherwise and you’ve turned your lives around together, give him the benefit of the doubt and try to move on from it, for the sake of your baby, once you get the results.
If he continues to have trust issues, try therapy before moving on. Also, men are notoriously bad at pregnancy math.”
A DNA Test Shouldn’t Be A Big Deal
“The hospital I work at will not allow a man who is not married to the baby’s mom to sign the birth certificate unless there is a DNA test. Saves lots of arguments and mom just goes along with it because it is policy.”
Genetics Are Weird!
“Both my ex and I are very white, like mayonnaise white.
We have 2 daughters and both are blonde and pale skin. One daughter was born with white hair and with basically clear skin… the other one I had to take a second look because I was so confused. She legitimately looked like a different race with black hair and dark skin.
She’s blonde, pale and has light green eyes now so it’s not crazy that your baby has black hair !”
It’s Up To You To Decide If This Is A Deal Breaker
“If it were me in the current relationship I’m in, I would be sad but I would agree to the test.
When the tests obviously came back that he was the father, I would have a big conversation about if this is the relationship he wants to be in – one where he thinks he committed to a woman who would lie about if a child was his.
It would not be a reflection on me, but on him, and honestly, I would look hard at what life I thought we had together. I wouldn’t jump to ending it, but gosh, I’d assume he just doesn’t know me how I thought he did.
It’s up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker. I would be heartbroken and would expect some significant moves on his part to work through his issues and learn what kind of person I actually am. It would be hard to move on from this.”
This ONE Fact Makes Things Worse
“It’s the fact that you were trying for a baby that would make this hard for me to come back from. I honestly would leave but there would be the possibility of getting back together once whatever personal issues he had were resolved.
My partner and I had this same conversation. I got tired of seeing social media posts about paternity tests and I am currently pregnant with a planned baby so I asked if he planned on asking for a test.
He said if this wasn’t planned and we had never talked about kids he possibly would but he said it makes no sense to plan out a pregnancy with me and then act like it’s not his kid. I truly hope you and your boyfriend work past the issues but definitely think some counseling or something is necessary.”
Let Him Get His Answers
“So he doesn’t know how pregnancies work or genetics. Let him get the test. You know what the truth is so you’re good. I would be upset but let him get his answers.”
It’s Literally Normal
“It’s literally normal for a baby to have jet-black hair and blue eyes as soon as they are born, please start seeing a therapist as soon as possible, both of you.”
Try Not To Hold It Against Him Too Much
“Try not to hold it against him too much. It’s more because of past trauma and experiences. Past trauma often has a way of sabotaging and screwing with our minds, even when we know in our hearts what the truth is.
While it’s not fair to you to compare his past experiences with you, it’s not exactly easy to split from that trauma without help.
Take comfort in the fact that the DNA will not only prove your fidelity, but help show that he can let go of his past traumas and fears. When the DNA comes back, see if you two can get couples therapy to help him through that trauma, and learn ways that the two of you can leave it in the past. Congratulations on your baby and I hope you don’t hold this against him too harshly.”
Talk To Him About Therapy
“Assuming you might want to work this out: Tell him that once the test comes back showing he is the father, you expect him to get therapy and for both of you to get couples counseling. If this does not happen, you are gone.”
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