Parents often make sacrifices for their children, but it is important to consider the needs of all parties involved when making decisions.
A user asked the forum, “Am I a jerk for leaving my son’s wedding early?”. Read the complete story to decide who is wrong here.
BACKSTORY
The Original Poster, OP’s son, Alan (26M), has just recently gotten married to Helen (25-26F).
He loves them both very much. He says that he dislikes parties and large gatherings; he is not friendly at all, just dislikes them.
HOW DID OP FEEL?
So it was kind of a downer when he heard that Alan and Helen would have a wedding with around 150 people.
He told Alan ahead of time that he would probably leave early and that he and the rest of their family would take two cars so that they could stay if they wanted to.
WHAT DID HE TELL HIS SON?
He says that his son looked like he didn’t mind then. So at the wedding itself, after the ceremony, he basically told him that he was glad and it looked great, but he was going to go home.
HOW DID HIS SON RESPOND?
His son asked if he was going to at least stay for cake or for food, but the food didn’t look all that appetizing to him, so he told his son that he was just going to leave.
HE TOOK HIS WIFE ALONG
He said, “Alright, whatever, just go,” and he went back to his table to get his stuff. He also told his wife, and she said she didn’t feel comfortable driving back alone (the venue was very far from them, and the roads there were not great).
He said in that case, his wife should come with him, and after some hemming and hawing, his wife agreed. So they left.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Then, two days later, Alan’s new wife bombarded OP and his wife with messages that she was disgusted with them, saying horrible things about them and insulting them as people and as parents.
HOW OP FELT?
He says that it’s sickening. He told her off and asked why she thought it was okay to talk to her in-laws like that, and she said that their leaving “ruined” the wedding for Alan and that he was very upset for the rest of the night.
He says that his daughter-in-law continued to berate them.
WHAT DID OP DO NEXT?
He politely told her to leave them alone and called Alan, mainly to inform him that his wife had a temper that he should know about.
WHAT WAS HER SON’S REACTION?
When they talked about it, he basically started berating me, too, and said things like, “You always do this” and “Just leave me alone” before hanging up. He felt like he was justified since he told him ahead of time that he wasn’t going to stay.
OP asks if he is a jerk.
OP’S UPDATE
OP added that there was a mother-son dance planned. His son also included him in the count for the food costs. He says that he loves him. He added that this does not mean that he doesn’t care about his son.
LACK OF LOVE
“You didn’t even stay for the meal that they’d paid for. What an absolutely disgusting lack of love and respect from you as a parent.
You also strong-armed your wife into leaving, too, so your son had no parents present at his reception.
How you don’t see that you’re the AH is a mystery to me.”
IT’S YOUR DUTY
“It’s your son’s wedding, and no matter how uncomfortable you feel, it’s your duty as a father to be there. It’s one evening, you can at least do as much.”
YOU MISSED ALL THE TRADITIONS AT THE WEDDING
“You missed all of the traditional wedding reception things. You didn’t make a speech; your wife didn’t dance with your son. He didn’t have his parents there to celebrate with him, even for an hour or two.
You didn’t express love, just a “Hey, you look great, but I am going to leave,” and then you dragged your wife with you all because you couldn’t be bothered to give him two hours of your time at his WEDDING.”
YOU COULD HAVE DEALT WITH THE SOCIAL DISCOMFORT
“Your kid had a big event in their life and wanted you to celebrate with them in a way that felt good to them. You were not willing to face a bit of social discomfort to honor that wish, and your son feels like you didn’t prioritize his feelings, and you didn’t.
His new wife, while I don’t agree with the method of communication, was trying to stick up for him by letting you know how your actions made him feel. Instead of calling your son to apologize for how you made him feel, you called to tattle on his new wife. HONESTLY, get a grip – this day was not meant to be about you.
You left immediately after the ceremony – you did the bare minimum to cover your mistake in saying, “I attended my son’s wedding,” – but you didn’t actually participate. In addition to that, it sounds like your wife wanted to stay but was made to leave in order to get home safely…?
So it sounds like the only person who gets prioritized in your family is you.”
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