Trauma must never be left untreated. Because when you do that, more often than not, the situation escalates!
A netizen recently asked, “Am I a jerk for thinking my husband was objectifying our daughter?”. We’d like to know what you think!
BACKSTORY
The Original Poster (OP) and her husband have a daughter who is 13. Her father abused OP from the time she was 12 up until he accidentally got her pregnant at 15, and OP went to live with her aunt.
OP’S UNRESOLVED TRAUMA
OP has a lot of unresolved trauma, but because of this trauma, she was extra careful when it came to changing the diaper for her daughter. Her husband rarely changed a diaper or gave her baths, as OP was weary about leaving them alone together even though her husband never gave her a reason not to.
“I stole a lot from my husband, which is when I finally agreed to therapy about nine years ago. I was in it for a few years.”, says OP.
WHAT HAPPENED A FEW DAYS AGO?
A few days ago, OP’s daughter asked OP and her husband if they thought she could get some more adult underwear. She said the girls in the locker room looked at her weirdly for her childish underwear.
OP said no to her request, but her husband thought maybe it was time for her to upgrade her wardrobe.
OP GOT TRIGGERED
This triggered OP.
When her daughter left the room, she asked her husband why he thought it was okay to buy their daughter adult underwear. She also asked him not to make decisions on their daughter’s underwear and not tell her that she should wear more adult underwear.
HUSBAND’S STANCE
OP’s husband got upset and said she was in middle school now, and he didn’t want her to be bullied, and that OP couldn’t start this again.
He then said she needed to stop thinking of him as this monster because he’s her father and that if these episodes were to start again, OP was required to return to therapy.
WHAT DOES OP ASK?
“I feel as though, knowing my trauma, he shouldn’t get so angry and demand me to return to therapy. I have every right to be cautious. Am I a jerk?” asks OP.
YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO THERAPY
“You’re the jerk. You need to go back to therapy and stop treating your husband like a child abuser. Wearing ‘adult underwear’ is fine at 13. It doesn’t mean anything at all. It’s normal to want some nice underwear. Take her and get her some new underwear. It’s not like she asked for anything inappropriate.”
STOP TREATING HIM LIKE A MONSTER
“You’re the jerk; it wasn’t objectification until you made it that way. So yes, you need to go back to therapy. Your husband is a parent, and you’re making him out to be a monster. I get the trauma aspect, but you need to get a handle on managing that piece.”
YOU NEED TO WORK THROUGH THIS
“You’re the jerk. Your kid is getting made fun of. He’s trying to avoid that based on her request. You need to work through this; your husband isn’t your abuser, and it is wildly unacceptable to accuse him of that when he didn’t do anything.”
YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD CHILDREN IN THAT CASE
“You’re the jerk. You should never have had children if you couldn’t trust their father and would constantly accuse him of being a predator.
Your husband has every right to decide about his daughter; your daughter has a good point (and it sounds like you’re infantilizing her). You need to return to therapy.”
YOUR TRAUMA IS YOUR PROBLEM
“You’re the jerk. Your trauma is your problem. No one has to accommodate your paranoia. You need to return to therapy before you end up without a husband.”
YOU’RE PROJECTING YOUR PAST ONTO YOUR HUSBAND
“First off, I’m sorry that happened to you. I can see why you’re so sensitive to the issue and protective of your daughter. That said, your husband is correct.
It was your daughter who broached the subject and wanted to make the change. You’re projecting your past onto your husband. You all deserve a life free from your trauma. Please talk with someone. You need to be free of it as best you can. You all deserve to be happy. Much love to you all.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.