There is always a polite way to deal with an issue. Screaming in front of everyone and running their day is not good behavior.
A user asked the forum, “Am I a jerk for screaming at my friend during his birthday party?”. Let us read the top comments.
BACKSTORY
The original poster (OP) (29M) recently went to his friend’s (28M) birthday party. (For the sake of simplicity, OP calls him Luke.)
OP met Luke in college, and they have been fairly close friends ever since.
INVITATION TO BIRTHDAY PARTY
OP says he wouldn’t say he’s his closest friend, but they are close enough for him to be invited to his birthday party.
OP says that Luke knows a decent bit about his history, but OP doesn’t like to talk about his past that much.
OP IS SUFFERING FROM PTSD
OP says that he won’t get into the details but says that he did suffer from PTSD and used to cope with drugs.
OP says that his dad is a jerk, and OP used to have a coke problem.
OP BECOMES COMPLETELY SOBER
OP is now completely sober and has been for a year. He says that Luke doesn’t know all the details of his past, but he does know that OP used to be an addict.
OP hadn’t had any close calls for a while until the previous night when he went to Luke’s birthday party
IT WAS A BIG PARTY
OP says that Luke told them it would be a “small hangout,” but when they arrived, it was a big party, probably 30-40 people at the peak, with loud music and enough alcohol to feed a village.
Luke was always the type of guy who liked parties, so that wasn’t a huge shock. OP added that everything was fine for the first part of the night. That was until OP saw, out of the corner of his eye, some people, including Luke, sitting around a table doing lines.
He says that the whole party was starting to gravitate in that direction, and OP guessed that this was about to become the sole focus of the rest of the night.
Now OP wants to clarify, and he says that he has no issue if those people want to do it.
OP says that “Do whatever you want; it’s your funeral.”
OP WAS FRUSTRATED
OP had a problem with his “friend” inviting him to his party, knowing damn well that there were going to be drugs and that OP was a recovering addict.
OP says that he had managed to stay clean for so long, and it was literally a few feet away from him.
He says that that was his worst nightmare.
OP BLEW HIM UP
OP said that he blew up at him. OP pulled him to the side and screamed at how stupid he was and how bad it was of him to do this to his supposed “friend.”
OP says that his screaming drew the attention of a lot of the crowd, and Luke looked horribly embarrassed, but OP stormed out before he could respond to him.
LUKE SENT HIM TEXTS
OP went home and went to bed, but when he woke up, he had a catalog of texts from Luke saying how he didn’t think it would have mattered to him because OP had been sober for so long and that, regardless, it was out of line for OP to explode like that because it ruined his birthday.
Luke kept saying that if OP didn’t like it, OP should have just left and not made his addiction everyone else’s problem.
IT IS A VIOLATION OF TRUST
OP felt like a massive violation of trust. He had confided in him that he had drug problems, and Luke failed to consider him or even warn him that this would be happening at his party.
OP says that he hasn’t responded to anything Luke has said yet, but is still angry at him. So, OP asks if he is a jerk for yelling at his friend at his birthday party.
YOU NEED BETTER COPING SKILLS
“You are a jerk. Sorry you are struggling with your sobriety at this moment, but you need to have better coping skills. The party was about him, not you, and you should have just left if you were uncomfortable.
I understand this reaction if someone whipped out some coke at your book club or something, but this was a big party, and you can’t control what goes on around you at someone’s rager.
Eta: I do want to congratulate you on your sobriety because I know that’s hard. From now on, I would suggest you ask people if there will be drugs at a party prior to attending them rather than assume things due to your personal history.
However, even if there wasn’t a spoken plan for someone to bring it yet a guest did, that’s an added bonus for lots of people and still acceptable if that’s what they want to do. It’s your problem, not their problem, and there will be some parties you have to just remove yourself from because of this.”
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEHAVED WELL
“If Luke knows about your addiction, he was inconsiderate (besides, coke is not exactly healthy, but that’s 100% Luke’s problem, not yours).
Making a scene at someone else’s party is never a great choice. If you – understandably – had problems with what you saw, you should immediately leave.”
YOUR FRIEND IS RIGHT
“You are a jerk. It actually sounds like you do, in fact, have an issue with other people doing it. Parties can involve drugs. You could easily have just pulled him aside and politely told him that you were leaving early as the drugs were still an issue, and you didn’t want to be tempted.
He’s almost certainly have been cool with it, and you could move on. You don’t even know if the drugs were pre-planned or if someone brought them, and it just became a thing at the moment.
You can’t go around screaming at people just because they’re doing something you can’t/struggle with; it’s on you to remove yourself from the situation. You were a jerk about it. Apologise and move on and think about how you may be able to manage a similar situation better in the future.
Your friend is right; you cannot make your addiction everyone else’s problem like that. It’s nobody’s responsibility to manage but yours.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.