Communication is the glue that holds families together. It allows us to share our needs, emotions, and thoughts, and to build strong relationships. But when communication breaks down, families can suffer.

An internet user took to the forum and asked, “Am I a jerk for giving my SAHM wife a written performance review with suggested areas needing improvement?”


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The Original Poster (OP) is a 33-year-old man who has a 6-year-old daughter with his 36-year-old wife. The wife has another daughter, a 13-year-old, who lives with them full-time, and they have custody of their 15-year-old niece. So, in total, they have 3 daughters. 


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The teenagers are each other’s best friends and share a large bedroom at their request. The dynamic in the household is such that the mother and youngest child are against the teenagers, with OP acting as the referee between everyone.

The youngest child was taught by the wife to blame others for her actions to avoid consequences, resulting in the teenager being able to avoid punishment simply by blaming someone else. The youngest was the wife’s favorite, which led to her becoming entitled and bratty. 

Read: She Took Up A Job Even Though Her Husband Disapproves. We Think He Is “REALLY” Wrong.

What Happened Next?

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One day the wife and OP had an appointment they both needed to attend, and when they returned, it was apparent that the pool had been used, which was not allowed when they were not home.

The youngest divulged that she was in the room coloring and never went swimming. The teens said that was not true; she had gone swimming. Only the teens were punished. 

Read: Daughter Offered To Pay Rent, They Refused. They Think She Needs To Grow Up And Deal With It. You Decide.

What Did OP’s Wife Do

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OP’s wife refused to give the youngest any type of consequence. The husband found the youngest’s wet swimsuit hidden in the garage and argued with his wife that she should be punished for swimming and lying. After a relentless disagreement, OP was silenced as the wife gave the youngest minimal consequence.

How Did The Teen React

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The lying, blaming, and favoritism ultimately caused the teens to act out. Most of their punishments included giving more chores, specifically, the chores the ones 6-year-old had. Or recently, they were removed from music lessons as a consequence. 

Teenagers Are So Frustrated

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OP believes that the teenagers are so frustrated by the situation that they don’t even care when they verbally attack their mother in response to her unfair treatment. They got blamed and punished for things they didn’t even do; from OP’s perspective, lashing out gives them a release.

Read: Her Mother-In-Law Booked Economy For Her, And Business Class For Her Son. She Refused To Go. We Think She Is WRONG. 

What Did OP Do?

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OP and his wife had countless, tiring arguments. She’d either not see her faults, or she would agree to do it, but it was never actually done. 

What Did OP Do

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OP decided to write her a performance review as a stay-at-home mom. It included the areas needed improvement. But OP touched on how she needed to listen better and stop being biased.

OP needed her wife to be fair in all her decisions and stop making rash decisions without considering all three kids. OP recommended she give each child the same amount of one-on-one alone time to speak or just be with one another.

OP Gave Her Accolades

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To soften the impact of the review, OP gave her accolades on her solid points for other areas aside from parenting. OP believed that organizing his thoughts on paper would be the best approach, as it would prevent the wife from interrupting. However, the approach quickly backfired in OP’s face.

Read: Her Stepmother Gave Her Money To Buy A New Dress. She Buys A Beautiful One, Now Stepmother Wants Money Back And Her To Wear Hand-Me-Down. Is This Right?

How Did OP’s Wife React?

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She was quiet for the first hour after receiving the review. Then the wife completely exploded on OP. She threatened to get a private bank account and take half of his paycheck weekly if he continued this behavior.

She further said the review was abusive and a manipulative move. 

Read: He Left A Vacation He Planned For His Girlfriend After Her Friends Came Along. We Think He Is Right In Doing So.

What Do We Think?

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Sometimes communicating can be difficult. The way she thought might be different from how OP sees it. For example, if a 6 year old went swimming, the teen sisters are definitely responsible. They are the older ones, and you cannot hold a 6 year old “fully” responsible. At the same time, you need to make the 6 year old understand how lying is bad and you should not blame anyone for your own fault. 

Instead of a “performance review”, OP could have written a heartfelt letter on how he felt, and what he thinks. Similarly, OP’s wife should listen to everyone a bit more, communicate how she thinks of a situation.

Read: His Wife Finally Cleared GED And Took Care Of 5 Kids With It. He Thinks Its Useless, She Won’t Have A Career. You Tell Us If He Is Right?

Internet Users Are Divided

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They are divided, some think OP is wrong and others he is right. Few others think everyone is wrong.

“The concerns you have are legitimate and it needs an urgent solution. But, the way you went about it is really unhealthy. The parenting of your children is not a project. You are not her boss, you are her husband and the father of her kid. Giving her a performance review comes across as really condescending and as she said, manipulative.” said one. 

You Are A Jerk

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Another one says, “idk, im leaing towards You are a jerk. I’m wondering if we’re getting an unbiased version of events about parenting issues. For example, the pool thing, why would you hold a 6-year-old equally responsible to their teenage siblings? Why does it matter what the 6-year-old claimed?

If the six-year-old went swimming alone, the teenage babysitters should be punished for allowing it. If they all went swimming, the six-year-old was following the example of their much-older siblings. Maybe OP’s wife doesn’t believe everything the 6-year-old says, so much as (reasonably) treating the children differently based on their ages.”

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This originally appeared on Mrs. Daaku Studio.

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