When a husband faces exclusion from the delivery room, it raises questions about his role in childbirth. But, can he just leave?
A user asked, Am I a jerk for going home when my wife didn’t let me into the delivery room? We want you to introspect.
Backstory
The Original Poster’s (OP) (28M) wife (29F) gave birth a few days ago.
They had what he believed to be a reasonably standard pregnancy, and he did his best to make things easy for her. He took her to the hospital when she was due, and her sister and mother met them there.
When Did The Problem Start
The problem started when she was taken to the delivery room.
She asked the nurse that only her mother and sister (F27) be allowed in the delivery and then told OP that she wanted him to wait until “she had delivered and calmed down” before letting him into the room
What Was OP’s Immediate Reaction To The Situation?
OP says “I was kind of shocked and didn’t want to make a scene so I just said OK and sat down in the waiting room. We had not really discussed the plan for the hospital, and I had no reason to think I wouldn’t be there when my son was born.”
What Happened Next?
Next, OP texted his wife’s sister if she knew she would do this. She said no. He told her to ask if his wife was concerned about something because he doesn’t consider himself someone who would have made a fuss or made things more difficult for her.
She texted back after a while, saying that his wife “just doesn’t want him to see her like this” and then added that she disagreed with her and tried to convince her but ultimately, it was her choice and he should be respecting it.
What Did OP Do?
After 6 hours of sitting in the waiting room and getting minimal updates as the labor was fairly slow, OP decided that there was no point so he texted his wife’s sister that he was going home, he’d meet his son when they brought him home and handle the birth certificate stuff the next day.
What Happened When OP’s Wife Came Back Home?
OP’s wife and her sister and mother came back home about 9 hours later and he was finally able to meet his son.
He says “When my wife’s mother and sister left she got furious at me for leaving her at the hospital. I was angry too but I told her that we can talk about this in a few days because she’s just given birth.
She Wouldn’t Drop The Subject
She wouldn’t drop the subject so I finally told her that she excluded me from the birth of my son for no reason, I didn’t see the need to hang around a hospital waiting room for hours doing nothing, and that even her own sister thinks what she did was wrong.
She said there could have been complications and I needed to be there, to which I replied that I wouldn’t have been there because she kept me out of the room and the doctors would have handled any problems anyways.”
She Called OP Inconsiderate
His wife called OP an inconsiderate jerk and had been talking short with him for several days. Her sister told him that he should just apologize and move past it because it was a stressful time for his wife, but he thinks he’s owed a bigger apology first for how he was excluded from his own son’s birth. Is OP really being a jerk?
Waiting Until The Last Minute Is SO NOT DONE
“If your wife didn’t want you to be in the delivery room, that should have been discussed ahead of time. She essentially shut the door in your face and expects you to have just waited in the uncomfortable waiting room for 15 hours. That’s not okay.”
It’s Complicated & Weird
“This is so complicated. I mean it is her choice who to have in the room but to want you to wait outside the room without even discussing it with you prior to the birth, basically blindsiding you is very inconsiderate.
If it was the actual birth I could understand her not wanting certain people there since it would be her choice, but not wanting you there during the labor process which can take days is just weird. Waiting for hours on end with no real updates would be upsetting to anyone and make them anxious”
‘Leaving The Hospital’ Was Not An Option
“The birthing plans should have been discussed months ago. It wasn’t right for her to spring that on you last minute, but I can’t believe you just LEFT THE HOSPITAL where your wife and child were going through a possibly life-threatening ordeal. Your wife has every right to decide who helps her through the traumatic experience of birth, this has nothing to do with your “right” to see your son’s first moments.
You left the hospital purely out of spite. I see a lot of talk about being there for your son and not a single thought of being there for your wife.”
Poor Communication Messed Things Up
“You both need to communicate.
OP, you didn’t have to leave the hospital, especially when you obviously wanted to be there. You have missed out on being there.
Your wife should have informed you of her wishes during the pregnancy and not blindside you in a moment where you couldn’t really discuss it further.
Ultimately it was her choice but you disappearing makes it look like you either don’t care or are being petty.”
Some Counseling Might Help
“She should have told OP that she wanted her mom and her sister there, but he WAS a jerk for leaving. He could have called a parent, a sibling, a friend, anyone to keep him company while he paced and worried, but she didn’t want him in the room. He is being a real jerk about it. Marriage counseling is in order. Trust is low in this relationship.’
Her Reason Might Not Be Invalid, Though
“I think what bothers me is people pretending “I don’t want you to see me like this” isn’t a valid reason to not want your husband in the room as you push blood, dump, and an entire human out of a tiny hole in your body.
Like you’re about to go through what could possibly be the most horrible pain of your life and could even kill you, and the person you love is just standing there watching you in pain, and now, instead of being able to focus on pushing out your tiny football, you’re stressing about whether or not your husband thinks you’re gross or won’t find you attractive after seeing you like that.
Hell, even if he does, the feeling that he couldn’t possibly linger in your head for years after. That extra stress can be incredibly harmful both during birth and after. A pregnant woman isn’t a jerk for wanting to eliminate that possibility.
That said, ideally talk about it ahead of time at least. But saying no doesn’t make you the jerk. Especially if your husband never suggested wanting to watch.”
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This article was originally published on Mrs Daaku Studio.