Why would you let someone else dictate your appointments with your doctor, especially when you’re not asking them for anything?

An internet user asked, “Am I a jerk for going to the doctor after my husband told me not to?”. Here’s the whole story for your context.


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The Original Poster (OP) (27F) got health insurance in March. She has not had health insurance for years. Even when her job offered it, she could not qualify, or she would miss the window to apply for health insurance.

“Finally, this March, after missing out on the opportunity last July, I got health insurance”, says OP. 


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Since then, OP has used it to her advantage as much as she can. OP has scheduled doctor visits, taken help from therapists, and done everything to care for her health! Once, when she got sick this year, she went to urgent care and received care and medicine.

“It’s been amazing! I’ve finally been able to get to the root of my issues and do tests to see if I have any genetic diseases”, says OP. 


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OP’s husband (27M) has had health insurance since leaving the military. He does not like the doctors and generally only likes OP to schedule him for once-a-year check-ups, and that’s it, even though he needs more as he has leg issues, stomach issues, and mental health issues.

“I try to nudge him to be seen as much as possible, but I don’t want to mother him more than I already do (not by my choice)”, says OP.


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Well, since OP has been getting seen by doctors and specialists, her husband has gradually gotten worse with his health. OP has offered to schedule him with the VA, and he finally has been seen and is slowly getting on track to get better. 

“However, he’s still in a lot of pain and needs to be seen as soon as possible, so we’ve been calling the VA to try to get him in with his primary doctor, but anyone who knows the VA knows they take ten years to get back to you”, says OP. 


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The other day, OP’s husband went off on OP, saying that it’s unfair that she gets seen by specialists and doctors and that she’s a jerk because she keeps going to the doctor, and he’s stuck in pain. He accused OP of rubbing it in his face that she made the time (OP is unemployed) to be seen by doctors while he suffers. 


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OP got upset and told him she doesn’t rub it in his face, and she only updates him when he asks. Otherwise, she doesn’t share any information with him. 

“Now his friends are telling him and me that I’m a major jerk and I don’t care about his health”, says OP. 


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OP told his husband’s friends that his husband is also capable of calling(which he said he would four months ago) and that she’s not stopping him from going to the doctor. 

They said it’s out of his hands because OP is blocking him from his doctor and withholding information and said she should just stop going to the doctors and therapists and put him at the forefront until he’s better.


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OP’s husband tried to stop OP today from going to the doctor for her broken thumb.

“Am I a jerk for still attending my doctor’s appointment today when they all asked me not to? Why should I put my health on hold again?” asks OP. 


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“Uhhh. Not the jerk. You are not his mother, and he is not a child. He can make his appointments and get to the doctor on his own. Your health matters, too. It is not affecting his life or appointments, and you need to tell his friends to get lost.”


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“You need to give an ultimatum to your husband. Tell him to start advocating for himself, or you’ll call the VA office and report him for possibly serious mental health issues that need to be checked. He is spiraling.”


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“That is crazy. He can make his doctor appointments. How can they say you are blocking his doctor’s info, like holding him hostage? They expect you to wait on him and be his mother despite you doing more for him than you should.”


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“What? Is everyone losing their mind? OP, your husband, and his friends are straight-up crazy people. You’re not doing anything wrong, and they’re being wildly illogical. None of what you wrote that they’re saying/doing makes any sense.”

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